NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Slow Joe Biden recently announced that federal marijuana possession offenders would be pardoned, saying, in a thread on Twitter:
As I’ve said before, no one should be in jail just for using or possessing marijuana.
Today, I’m taking steps to end our failed approach. Allow me to lay them out.
First: I’m pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession. There are thousands of people who were previously convicted of simple possession who may be denied employment, housing, or educational opportunities as a result. My pardon will remove this burden.
Second: I’m calling on governors to pardon simple state marijuana possession offenses. Just as no one should be in a federal prison solely for possessing marijuana, no one should be in a local jail or state prison for that reason, either.
Third: We classify marijuana at the same level as heroin – and more serious than fentanyl. It makes no sense. I’m asking @SecBecerra and the Attorney General to initiate the process of reviewing how marijuana is scheduled under federal law.
I’d also like to note that as federal and state regulations change, we still need important limitations on trafficking, marketing, and underage sales of marijuana.
Sending people to jail for possessing marijuana has upended too many lives – for conduct that is legal in many states. That’s before you address the clear racial disparities around prosecution and conviction. Today, we begin to right these wrongs.
Well, many observers quickly suspected that something was “up,” as there aren’t really all that many people who have been arrested and locked up for simple possession at the federal level. Many people plead down to that in plea deals, but really its just a few thousand people that are affected by the new Biden policy.
So why take the risk of pushback by pardoning people at a time when crime is already through the roof?
One reason suspected was that Biden is hoping no one looks up how many people will be affected by his order and just assume it was a massive policy shift that will help lots of people.
Perhaps that’s true, but it seems that the real issue at play here is something else: the president’s crackhead son was caught smoking weed outside the White House to “take the edge off” after Joe yelled at him for getting caught buying crack from the North Koreans, and the police officer who caught him was insisting on reporting it.
As the offense took place in DC, it would be a simple possession charge brought by the federal government, and so, The Daily Wire found out from an anonymous White House insider, Joe pushed the pardon through so that Hunter could be preemptively pardoned and the drama of the situation avoided.