NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Why has President Joe Biden, America’s seeming attempt at recreating the reign of Emperor Galba, but with a complete and total hatred of guns, gotten so interested in pushing gun control on the populace all of a sudden?
Turns out, it’s not because of the massacres in Uvalde or Buffalo, horrific as those events were. Rather, Biden’s rabid gun control push is an attempt to push back against one American gun owner: Cornpop, his old nemesis from the Delaware pool where he supposedly worked as a lifeguard.
Here’s Biden telling the story of Cornpop, for those who don’t remember:
In the story, Biden, describing Cornpop, said “CornPop was a bad dude and he ran a bunch of bad boys.” Indeed he was and did; according to Biden in the story, he even pulled a straight razor on Biden during their parking lot showdown and confrontation, but a chain-wielding Biden got him to backdonw.
And Biden thought, after that hair-raising confrontation, that Cornpop was no longer a menace, that he was no longer armed and dangerous, ready to terrify pool goers and threaten lifeguards with cutthroat razors.
But such was not the case: Cornpop, now a Florida resident who DeSantis pardoned in full for all past offenses as a troll against Biden, is a gunowner.
Based on videos of him firing guns that were posted on Twitter, a CIA operative working closely for the Biden White House estimates that Cornpop owns multiple candy-painted AR-15s, two silver-plated AK-47s, and one gold-plated Colt .45, along with a now diamond encrusted straight razor.
So Biden, knowing how dangerous Cornpop is, acted swiftly to get those guns out of Cornpop’s hands and out of the hands of people like Cornpop; reacting swiftly to the threat, Biden pushed gun laws that would give the federal government the ability to take Cornpop’s guns from him if it considered him a threat (red flag laws at the federal level), which it certainly does under Biden.
And so Biden has recalled almost all SOCOM units from abroad, readying SEALs, Delta Team members, Grey Fox intelligence officers, CIA mercenaries/contractors/special forces troopers on loan, and even a few Marine Force Recon snipers and a full Ranger battalion, readying them for an operation to takedown Cornpop and seize his guns after the federal red flag laws are passed and the government has the authority to do so.
Mitch McConnell, ready as ever to “compromise” with (surrender to) the GOP’s political enemies, promised to support the federal red flag law if Biden pinky promised to use it to seize Cornpop’s guns but then not use it to seize the firearms of patriots and conservative-leaning dissidents. Kamala, after she finished cackling at McConnell’s naivety, pressured Joe into pinky promising, which he did and then forgot almost immediately, focused like a laser on taking down Cornpop and seizing his firearms.