NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
According to a breathtaking, undercover report conducted by the always awesome Project Veritas, it appears that Fang Fang, the CCP spy that Congressman Eric Swalwell was sleeping with, isn’t gone for good.
Rather, thanks to lax security standards under the Joe Biden Administration, Fang Fang is back in the country and back to her old beau.
Well, almost back. Apparently, Hunter Biden is not only back on the market now that he’s finishing up his child support battle with the stripper in Arkansas that he impregnated, but found Fang Fang attractive and wants to steal her from Congressman Swalwell.
And so the two are battling for her attention and attraction with the means at their disposal. Hunter Biden is attempting to win by asking for yet more money and no-limit credit cards from his Chinese and Ukrainian paymasters with which he can buy her gifts. He also tried painting a portrait of her, but that didn’t work out when his hands kept shaking because of his crack cocaine addiction.
Meanwhile, Congressman Swalwell realized that he had some competition for the Chinese spy’s attention from the President’s son and so stepped up his game. First, he stopped eating beans before TV interviews so that he would no longer fart on live TV and embarrass himself and his girlfriend by doing so. Then, using his committee appointments to gain access to classified material, Swalwell started stealing what classified documents he could get his hands on and brought them to Fang Fang, disguised as the paper wrapping around a bouquet of flowers.
The few remaining competent persons in the American intelligence establishment are reportedly highly concerned by the presence of Fang Fang on US soil again, not to mention the security risk of the president’s son and a US Congressman being involved in a “romantic” relationship with a known CCP spy.
President Biden has, however, stopped the CIA, NSA, FBI, or DIA from taking any action to get Fang Fang out of the country or find what classified materials Swalwell and Hunter have given her in an attempt to be her sole lover. The reason for that is twofold.
On one hand, Biden just wants continued access to the checks that are given to Hunter by the Chinese, as he collects 10% for the Big Guy on each one. So it’s in his financial interest for the contest to continue for years, as he’ll just keep collecting checks.
The other reason is that he doesn’t want those agencies using up resources that could be directed against Trump, which he thinks would be a better use of them. That’s particularly true of the FBI, which has been used like a hammer against the president’s political enemies recently.