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REPORT: Hunter Biden Glad the FBI Has Another Issue to Look Into Other Than Him Now

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Hunter Biden has remained surprisingly silent about the whole Supreme Court leak, along with the other issues that have cropped up recently. Why? Because between Russia’s predations abroad and chaos at home, Hunter’s sniffing an opportunity to get away from the investigation into him.

    Speaking about that in an email of his to a friend in China (Premier Xi) that was leaked (turns out the password for his email address is “boobz”), Hunter said:

    Yeah, things were looking bad a few months ago when news was slow and the FBI didn’t really have a reason not to be looking into me. So, they had to, which was no good because of the cut the Big Man’s been taking. He looks bad and I can barely pay my legal bills! (gonna need another credit card from y’all btw)

    “But hey, now they’ve all but forgotten about it in the wake of the Supreme Court leak, which, if I remember from my law school days right, is a big f***ing deal. 

    “So now, what’re they gonna focus on: a tax investigation that gets the Big Guy upset or a major leak that just kneecapped the Supreme Court by demolishing its legitimacy? I think we all know the answer!

    “With that in mind, the coast looks clear. Are y’all still interested in buying the Washington Monument? Pops said he can make it happen if you’ve got the cash ready. Well, really he wants bitcoin, but I don’t trust him not to lose the password and I need cash to pay the bills, so I’ll just Venmo him and say that’s how Bitcoin works nowadays. 

    “Get back to me soon if you’re interested, the Iranians are also looking to start buying some hard assets with all that oil money we’re giving ’em! Just wait till the public finds out about that one lol.”

    Xi’s secretary sent Hunter a terse response telling him to only speak to the Premier in person about such matters in the future, but that yes he was interested and that the two could discuss price soon.

    Hunter then replied to the secretary, saying “Hey, darling, you single? I just came into some serious cash I’m looking to spend on a hottie like you!

    “She” turned out to be a male PLA officer who was not at all enthused by Hunter’s reply, and the communication then ended, with Hunter presumably using a more secure form of communication to haggle over price.

    Regardless, the main takeaway is that Hunter is now confident he’s wriggled off the FBI’s hook now that they have something else to focus on and an excuse to let the president’s son go.

    Time will tell if that prediction of his is accurate, but the FBI does seem to be scrambling in the wake of the leak, so perhaps Hunter’s legal issues will be lost in the office as agents scramble to avoid getting involved in taking on an obviously pro-left leaker.

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