NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
How are things going in the Biden White House? For yet another day in a row, not great. In fact, according to our ever-helpful source inside the White House, it appears that tensions are rising after Mayor Pete gave Hunter Biden a nasty case of monkeypox during a “men’s social event” at a DC-area bath house.
Our source, speaking on that from a payphone so as to make it harder for the Clinton Foundation to track him (Or is it a her? We don’t want to give his or her identity away), said:
“Well, we thought things were bad when Mayor Pete was MIA for weeks thanks to his monkeypox and when he or Chastin gave it to their adopted kids, along with all of Biden’s blunders. The peeing off the side of the stage thing was certainly a bit much.
“But now things have gotten really tense, as all those nasty, bad chickens have come home to roost. Particularly, the deviant habits of both Mayor Pete and Hunter have combined in a very gross way to make things super duper uncomfortable as of late.
“So what happened was Mayor Pete was talking about this ‘men’s event’ at a DC-area bath house. Hunter rightly picked up on that what Mayor Pete was talking about was an orgy, but it totally went over his head that it was a gay one. I guess he just wasn’t paying attention to whatever Mayor Pete was saying about his sexual life…Hunter doesn’t listen or think things through much, as that laptop of his shows.
“Anyway, later that night Hunter gets all liquored and coked up and shows up at the bath house. He was apparently a bit put off by the gay thing but, as he was pretty drunk, he just went along with it…yeah, it’s pretty gross to think about.
“Apparently, one thing led to another and, sure enough, Mayor Pete gave Hunter a nasty case of drug-resistant monkeypox. I’d really prefer not having do discuss how that happened and who did what to whom. It just makes me shudder.
“Well, Biden found out and was not happy with either of them. So he started yelling and then Kamala called him “homophobic,” which made things even more awkward. Now things are super tense in the White House, with all the different groups mad at each other for some slight or another. It’s very uncomfortable and unpleasant, though I suspect not as uncomfortable or unpleasant as Hunter’s monkeypox sores.
“My guess is that Hunter won’t be out in public for a few weeks until all those weeping sores clean up and he doesn’t look like a leper.”
So the Elagabulus Administration is proceeding about as well as could be expected.