NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following up on the recent news that Pelosi and her Congressional allies are planning on introducing a bill that would stop Congressional stock trades but certainly won’t be passed thanks to the late hour at which it has been introduced and various problems with the bill, a Florida-based hedge fund has decided to expand its algorithmic trading to more fully capture data regarding what stocks members of Congress are trading and make decisions based on that.
Describing a pilot program that they’ve been testing over the past year, POC Fund (POC here standing for “Profiting Off Corruption,” not “People of Color”) released a statement to its few dozen investors saying:
“Over the past year, we’ve introduced a new form of algorithmic trading that seeks alpha in the stock market by figuring out what members of Congress are doing with their trades and then mimics those trades when possible and appropriate.
“The results of that have been astounding. Whereas our normal algorithm, which operates based off all market dynamics, not just Congressional insider trading, beats the market by an average of 1%, this Congress-based algorithm beats it by an astounding 50%. We believe that further tweaking and narrowing the members of Congress it focuses on to the most corrupt will increase that to 65%.
“Further, we feel this strategy will prove successful over the long term given the recent court intrigue surrounding a bill that would make it more difficult for members of Congress to trade individual stocks or use insider information to profit. That bill will certainly not be passed thanks to the machinations of Pelosi and her allies on the right, namely Dan Crenshaw, whose stock trades outperformed even hers last year.
“We have also decided to let the algorithm start probing what the spouses of members of Congress are doing in the stock market, as market moves made by people like Paul Pelosi could be equally useful in figuring out how to profit based off of Congressional corruption.”
Pelosi blasted the fund for the letter, saying that it was making “appalling accusations” and spreading “baseless, vicious rumors.” According to insider sources, however, Pelosi privately blasted the fund for mimicking her stock trading strategies, saying that “if everyone figures out what I’m up to and makes those same trades, the alpha in them will disappear.”
She has not, however, changed any of her stock allocations or made moves to keep her trading activities more private since the release of the letter. Nor has Crenshaw, who has refused to comment on his being named in the letter or on his astounding outperformance of the market. He did, however, snap at someone for “treason” when they joked that he, like Odin, had sacrificed an eye to gain knowledge, though his knowledge was in how to use insider trading rather than the art of skaldic poetry.