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REPORT: Putin Furious to Learn Easter Bunny-Disguised KGB Agent Receiving So Much Attention [SATIRE]

    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is SATIRE, not fact. Treat it as such.

    Though he’s busy with other things, namely redesigning his massive dacha, a palace that some report cost over $1 billion to construct, Putin took time out of his busy schedule to talk with his FSB (modern KGB) officers about the danger posed to their intelligence-gathering operations by the amount of attention focused on one agent by American media.

    Speaking anonymously to the media after the meeting, only talking to us out of spite because he was jealous of the size of Putin’s dacha compared to his, one high-level official said:

    Yes, the rabbit was obviously our guy. Why do you think Biden was so scared in that picture? Because rabbits frighten him? No, it’s because he saw Sergei in there and knew we could have gotten him if we wanted to. But he’s doing a better job of destroying your degenerate country than we ever could, so Sergei helped him out by dragging him away from reporters when he started talking about Afghanistan. You’re welcome, by the way. I never got a “thank you” card, nor did Vladimir, and we’re both very upset.

    Anyway, anyway, Vladimir was also upset that Sergei had blown some of his cover by inserting himself into the situation. We didn’t expect the “rabbit saves president” story to be such a big headline. Must be a slow news week for you, yes?”

    We confirmed that it was, though Elon’s antics and offers were heating things up. Chuckling at the thought of Elon and saying that “his Twitter feed is one of the best,” the anonymous official then continued:

    As I was saying, Vladimir was not very happy that one of our agents was getting so much attention. He thought that might expose our whole operation, which really isn’t that big anymore now that the Cold War is over. We were trying to be friendly with you guys, we were the first to call after 9/11 and we offered help! But you insisted on being d**ks. 

    Anyway, we had to show him that the media doesn’t really care who was in the suit, more just that Biden’s reaction was hilarious. That settled him down and he went back to reviewing the plans for his dacha. It’s a very nice dacha, by the way. Way more taste than anything you Americans would create. Lots of gold and marble, very heroic.

    The last sentence was dripping with envy, but most of what the source told us could later be verified. Team Biden, when asked for comment on the Russian agent in their midst, refused to fire Sergei and said:

    “We believe in granting opportunities to those of all nationalities. Though tensions are high between the US and Russia right now, Sergei’s work has been very good and we believe that he’s the proud American patriot from Ohio that he says he is. Frankly, it’s racist that you’d want us to fire him just because of his heritage.”

    Sergei is, however, forbidden to wear the rabbit suit again because of how much it scared Biden.

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