NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The end of this week’s news cycle was dominated by a Chinese spy balloon that floated over the United States, drifting first over the Minuteman ICBM silos in Montant before heading south and catchinga glimpse of the B-2 bomber base in Missouri and then heading to the coast, where it was finally shot down.
Why the US waited so long to do anything to the balloon was unclear, though insiders claim that it was because Biden started crying every time the idea of popping the balloon was broached. “What the heck, Jack?!” he supposedly said, “balloons are cool and fun, we ain’t gonna pop nothing so long as I’m president.”
And so the balloon was free to drift over American territory and capture data about what it wanted without restraint, at least until it reached the Atlantic ocean and was shot down.
Well, our enemies are watching us and have learned from this scandal, deciding to use it to their advantage. Specifically, Russia decided to use the balloon idea to prosecute its war in the Ukraine after realizing that Biden had some weird aversion to their being shot down.
Working with his top scientists, researchers, and military strategists and tacticians, Putin and his team came up with an idea that could carry either Intelligence, Surveillance, and Reconnaisance (ISR) equipment to spy on Ukraining positions, bombs with which they could blow up Ukrainian positions, or some combination thereof.
Though all variants were somewhat effective because Biden refused to let them be shot down, the Russians apparently found that the best, most cost effective way to use the new tools was to equip them with thermal cameras to spot Ukrainian positions and then using those cameras to call in artillery strikes on the Ukrainian bunkers, vehicles, machine gun nests, or other strong points. That enabled them to find the positions but then destroy them with cheap artillery shells rather than expenive guided bombs while also keeping the balloons in the air.
Putin, speaking about the balloon wonder weapons, said “who knew it would be the oldest aerial craft, an observation balloon, that would give us such an advantage and lead to ultimate victory for the Rodina?”
Ukranian President Volodimir Zelensky was furious about the balloon situation but refused to do anything like shoot the balloons down because he was worried about how Biden might respond and what a cutoff of American aid would mean for his country as the war continues unabated.
By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1