Note: This is satire. Most quotes and statements within it are made up. They’re jokes, not to be taken as facts and fact-checked
Well, America’s most famous African-American visionary, Elon Musk, just announced that he’s planning to buy Twitter at a heft premium as a way of supporting free speech online. He said as much in a letter to the Twitter Board of Directors, announcing that he wasn’t interested in a board seat and would rather just buy the company to do what he wants with it.
Unsurprisingly, the criticism of Elon and general far-left panic about the issue was swift and severe. Blue-haired radicals around the world rended their already torn and dirty garments, wept tears they haven’t wept since the bad orange man was elected, and, spearheaded by CNN’s resident Mr. Potatohead lookalike, desperately trying to figure out a way to stop Elon from buying the social platform.
Bankers were called, with the grown, jobless children they’ve paid the bills for but not spoken to in years demanding that they not front Elon the money. But, tired of paying for the rehab and AmEx bills of 35-year-old children that have otherwise refused to speak for them since they dared vote for Mitt Romney in 2012 and Jeb! during the 2016 GOP primary, the bankers decided to let those calls go to voicemail.
Next up, regulators at the SEC were called, with hundreds of Millenials dialing up the SEC number on their iPhones, all of course emblazoned with “capitalism sucks” stickers, and demanding that the regulatory agency do something, anything to stop the sale. But the SEC could not be reached, for it is staffed by lazy government employees that didn’t feel like answering the phones.
Finally, desperately reaching for any straws and not realizing how hostile takeovers or company buyouts work after having taken “queerness in BIPOC literature” classes in college rather than “Intro to Accounting,” or “Intro to Finance”, they relied on the most effective tactic of all: calling Elon “racist.”
What did he do that was racist? Crickets. But still the allegations came on, heaved against Elon’s Twitter account like rocks from a trebuchet against the walls of Constantinople. But the landwalls held firm, and then Elon destroyed all those chirping fools with one simple question.
Cracking his knuckles, smirking a bit, and taking a long drag from a JRE-branded joint, Elon asked one simple question: “Why don’t you like African Americans?”
A few brave blue-hairs tried fighting against his logic, claiming they loved blacks but not “colonizer” African-Americans, but they were quickly silenced by those on their own side who, like crabs in boiling water, pulled them back down and telling them that saying “black” is racist.
And so, like Gandalf riding across the Pelennor Fields and driving away the Nazgul, Elon ended the insults with one simple tweet, shutting up all the critics in a monumental victory. He then demanded and received, a “diversity discount” from the Twitter board.