NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
Appearing during a Good Friday press conference, Jen Psaki got into one of her usual spats with FNC correspondent Peter Doocy, this one escalating into Jen blaming Putin for the death of Christ.
It began when Doocy, trying to goad Psaki into saying something dumb, said:
“Hey, Jen. I was buying candy to put in my kids’ Easter baskets this morning–” he was cut off at that point by the CNN correspondent, who didn’t know the Easter bunny isn’t real, sobbing uncontrollably and running out of the room.
Shaking his head while whipping out a Tucker Carlson-branded container of Zyn, Doocy popped a tab in and then went back to his question, saying “anyway, I was trying to buy Kit-Kats and chocolate Easter bunnies and they were a full 50% more expensive than last year. Does the president or administration have any comment on why they’re trying to make chocolate more expensive, if this is a fatphobic attack on calories, and why Biden hates Easter?”
The attempt to goad Psaki worked. She first rebutted the “fatphobic” part of the question, saying “the Putin price hike is absolutely not fatphobic. President Biden supports the lived experience of everyone of a non-traditional size and thinks people can be beautiful at any size. Once Klaus Schwab’s chocolate-covered bugs are on the shelves, Americans can have as many cheap calories as they want.”
Continuing, Psaki brutally attacked the idea that Biden hates Easter, saying:
“President Biden is, as you know, a very strong Catholic. The Pope said so before Biden had an accident and had to be ushered out of the Vatican. So no, he does not hate Easter. He loves it.”
Doocy, waving the red flag to goad her on yet further, then said “Thanks, Jen. So when you said he ‘loves Easter,’ does that mean he loves the fact that Jesus died?”
Psaki had trouble remembering the Easter story and had to try to remember what happened before responding. Then, a light went off and she saw an opportunity to pin something on Putin, so she fired back, saying:
“Not at all. The president is very concerned that Putin killed Jesus. If you look at traditional Tsarist propaganda, Russians often referred to themselves as the ‘Third Rome,’ and our best analysts at the CIA think that’s because a time-traveling Putin went back in time to kill Jesus, calling himself ‘Pontius Putler’ in an unreleased music video about the incident, a music video in which he obviously was shirtless the whole time.”
Doocy was too stunned to answer and lightheaded from the Tucker-branded Zyn, but luckily a Just the News reporter was there to ask if Biden would be appearing shirtless for any Easter-themed music videos, to which Psaki said he only gets shirtless in front of female Secret Service agents when at his home pool. Everyone gagged at that comment and the press conference came to an end.
The Russian MOD later released a statement that if they had a time machine they’d use it to stop an overthrow of the Tsar, not to kill Jesus.