NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
It’s Easter at the White House and, miraculously able to wake up enough to scarf down his morning oatmeal and participate in the weekend’s activities, President Biden participated in the White House Easter Egg Hunt.
Deeming his mind about as capable as that of a typical 6-year-old, Jill allowed him to participate after a healthy 27 doses of stimulants to ensure that he could stay awake for the entire event, meant to last about 15 minutes.
Predictably, it went badly for Slow Joe and the White House team. With the Secret Service and “Dr.” Jill distracted with Biden’s dog, Major, which kept biting the kids and running around barking, something that made the event even less fun for all the kids that had already been creepily sniffed by the commander in chief.
In any case, once Major was captured and a child pried from his jaws, the rest of the festivities had to be canceled because no one was able to find the president. Forming a search line to find where he was on the White House grounds, approximately 25 Secret Service agents, Kamala Harris, and Dr. Jill Biden proceeded to sweep the area multiple times before finally finding him curled up in a bush crying as a bird pecked at his hand. Major then rushed into the bush and ate the bird, ending the crisis.
Though Biden remained sobbing until he fell asleep for the day seven minutes later (3:02 pm), the Secret Service was eventually able to piece together what happened by viewing security camera footage. Conveniently, Hillary was busy screaming at Bill for heading off to Vegas and coming back with an STD, so she wasn’t able to tamper with them and the footage was viewable.
What happened was that Biden wandered off when Major started chasing the kids around, thinking that their screams were meant to signal the start of the event. After a bit of stumbling around, two handshakes with ghosts, and he brief nap, he found a bird’s nest in a bush near the Rose Garden. Thinking the eggs in it were Easter eggs, he cracked one open but was very disappointed to find that there was a yolk in it instead of a bar of chocolate or Hershey’s kiss. He then started sobbing, sobs which turned to wails when the mama bird found him sitting over a pile of her cracked eggs and started pecking at him. It was at that point that Hunter entered the picture and, ignoring his crying dad, briefly smoked some crack. Both Biden’s were found shortly thereafter.
Interviewed after the event about the incident, Dr. Jill Biden said “Well, as a doctor, and I am a doctor, you know, a very well-respected one, I don’t think this shows anything about my husband’s mental health. No, he’s as sharp as ever and ready to keep leading from the front! That’s my professional opinion, as a very serious and very respected doctor.”
She started screeching when Hunter mumbled that she wasn’t a real doctor and the interview had to be terminated.
Kamala also was interviewed after the event and, in between cackles, said “I was briefly president while he was gone! I didn’t do it though, I didn’t do anything.” She then went back to cackling and the interview team had to leave to preserve their hearing.
This article was based on this hilarious tweet:
I doubt they have an Easter egg hunt at the White House tomorrow – Joe Biden could get lost.
— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) April 16, 2022