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Senator Fetterman Decides He’s Trans While in Hospital

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Senator John Fetterman, also known as “Lurch” by those who keep up with him and his inability to speak, is now identifying as a “trans woman.” That announcement came from his staff, who said that while in the hospital for his “mental health concerns,” Senator Lurch decided to “kill two birds with one stone” and have his “gender affirming surgery completed.”

    Announcing that in a statement, the senator’s team said:

    “Senator Fetterman, as many of you now know, is in the hospital to restore her mental health following constant criticism and vicious attacks by Republican insurrectionists. While in the hospital, Senator Fetterman plans to have gender-affirming surgery completed that will help everyone see her as the woman she identifies as and knows herself to be. While this announcement might come as a surprise to many Pennsylvanians, those close to the senator have long known that she identifies as a woman and we seek your support as she emerges from the closet imposed on her by transphobic Republicans.”

    That followed a statement released by his office about the senator’s mental health. “Last night, Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to receive treatment for clinical depression. While John has experienced depression off and on throughout his life, it only became severe in recent weeks,” his office said in a released statement.

    “On Monday, John was evaluated by Dr. Brian P. Monahan, the Attending Physician of the United States Congress,” the statement continued. “Yesterday, Dr. Monahan recommended inpatient care at Walter Reed. John agreed, and he is receiving treatment on a voluntary basis.”

    “After examining John, the doctors at Walter Reed told us that John is getting the care he needs, and will soon be back to himself,” the statement concluded. 

    Many questioned whether the senator’s mental health was at a nadir because of the trans issue or if he was undergoing life-altering, irreversible surgery because of the depression, but that led to quick censorship on Facebook and leftist attacks on Twitter, along with condemnation from CNN and MSNBC. They also questioned why the Senator was not referred to as a “she” in the mental health statement, but that drew no responses or answers from the legacy media or the senator’s office.

    Tucker, however, got in on the joke by using pictures of Grendel’s mother and other monsters from tales, all wearing blonde wigs, and saying that they were pictures of Senator Fetterman after “her gender-affirming surgery.”

    Later, a leak from the senator’s office claimed that the senator was undergoing the dramatic surgery in the hope that it would get the GOP to stop harassing him for fear of censorship and “hate speech” suits, but those rumors were unconfirmed as of today.

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