NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Slow Joe was worse than usual during a speech he attempted to give on Thursday afternoon; he wandered off script about every time there was a paragraph break, kept a hacking cough going throughout the entire speech, and, in what might be his worst moment yet, forgot he wasn’t in the bathroom and started urinating on stage.
The speech began awkwardly, with Biden being propelled to the podium by his handlers and then, after getting there, forgetting what he was supposed to be doing on just staring blankly at the crowd for about 30 very awkward seconds.
But it got worse. After an aide walked up and whispered something in his ear (his ear microphone appears to have been off), he started rambling, getting about half of the words on the teleprompter correct but making the speech muddled enough that no one could really tell what he was supposed to be saying.
He yelled about the FBI fighting Putin, argued that Iran was under attack from Germany, and declared that the bad orange man had worked with Cornpop to blow up an FBI branch office.
Presumably, he meant that Russian interference in elections was once again being investigated, the Iran deal, which Germany is involved in brokering, is close to completion, and mean MAGA Republicans have said not so nice things about the FBI. But, as he kept rambling and never got entirely back on track, it was hard to tell exactly what he meant.
Things got worse from there. Biden, who had been coughing throughout the entire speech, suddenly stopped talking after a particularly hacking cough and meandered over to the edge of the stage, with the entire audience waiting with bated breath to see what he was up to.
He let them find out pretty quickly, finding an open patch of grass over on the edge of the stage, mumbled “when ya have to go, ya have to go, ain’t that right, Jack?” and then started urinating off the stage.
He then stumbled and was carted off of the stage by the Secret Service before anything else could happen, with Dr. Jill appearing on stage to say that his “Covid pills made him a tad loopy”.
The incident started a furor in DC, with Congressional Republicans pledging to hold him accountable for exposing himself to children, while Hunter Biden and Tony Podesta issued statement on his behalf that it was “no big deal” that he accidentally exposed himself to the kids in the audience because “everyone does it” and the kids could have averted their eyes.
The Capitol Police, for their part, announced that they would not be investigating him for exposing himself to children because he is “obviously senile” and “didn’t mean to do anything wrong.” They also claimed their resources have been stretched to the breaking point by Abbot’s illegals.