NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden recently gave a speech on Sandra Day O’Connor and, as could be expected, it ended in a painful disaster for his administration when he got off of script and started rambling about former President Donald Trump. Beginning the speech, Biden said:
To the O’Connor family, my wife Jill and I send our love on behalf of a truly grateful nation for her service. I’m humbled to be asked to speak today. To the members of the clergy, the Chief Justice, Justices of the Supreme Court past and present, members of the bench and bar, members of the Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans. More than 40 years ago, on a Wednesday in September 1981, the Senate Judiciary Committee came to order.
I was the ranking member of that committee, and the day’s business was momentous: the nomination of Sandra Day O’Connor to become the first woman in American history to serve as a Supreme Court Justice on the United States Supreme Court. Announcing her nomination earlier that summer, President Reagan described her as, and I quote, “a person for all seasons.” And it was a person for all seasons we saw in that hearing and the Americans and the world would see through her extraordinary service as a Justice and, I might add, as a citizen.
Gracious and wise, civil and principled, Sandra Day O’Connor, a daughter of the American West, was a pioneer in her own right, breaking down the barriers in the legal and political worlds and the nation’s consciousness. To her, the Supreme Court was bedrock — the bedrock of America. It was a vital — a vital line of defense for the values and the vision of our republic, devoted not to the pursuit of power for power’s sake but to make real the promise of America — the American promise that holds that we’re all created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives.
Then, the president found his way away from the teleprompter, with particularly bad results. He said, “Look, folks, let’s not beat around the…the…tree? The bush! Let’s not beat around the bush. We know was Sandra here woulda done about the bad orange man. It’s obvious. She woulda stopped Trump! That’s a fact, Jack!”
“I’ll tell ya why. It’s easy. The bad orange man is bad. He’s a nasty guy. Very nasty. And look, he’s attacking our democracy, with all these evil speeches and everything. He is! Just look. It ain’t hidden, it’s out there, Jack. So Sandra woulda seen that. She woulda! And what woulda happened, you see, is she woulda stopped it! She woulda made sure that this democracy denier would have been kept off the ballot. That’s why she…well it’s umm…you uhh…well, it speaks to her character. She would have fought for America by stopping the bad orange man. She woulda saved democracy.”