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“Skip the Middleman”: New Aid Bill Includes Billions in Crack Funding for Hunter

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Also, Google refuses to monetize content if it includes the name of the country that the Russian Federation recently invaded, so euphemisms will be used throughout.

    The legislature recently voted to send $40 billion in taxpayer dollars to some country in Eastern Europe, ostensibly for the goal of helping it defend itself from Russian invaders.

    Why does a random country in Eastern Europe need far, far more American taxpayer money to defend its borders than the US spends on protecting its own border from the ravages of drug cartels and illegal immigrants?

    Cocaine Mitch didn’t explain that, though the active theory on the Internet is that, thanks to globalization, the elites own more of worth (including politicians) in that nation than this one.

    In any case, what was even more interesting about the bill is that it included $2 billion dollars in spending on one odd line item that was titled “skipping the middleman.”

    Upon further investigation, the truth came out: “skipping the middleman” really meant just sending Hunter Biden all the money he needs for his crack cocaine addiction rather than forcing him to travel back and forth to that country in Eastern Europe that Google won’t let us say to collect his dad’s bags of cash.

    The $2 billion will be used to create a trust fund meant to pay for the addiction by investing in Chinese assets, particularly American houses and farmland recently purchased by investors in Red China.

    Jen Psaki, attempting to defend the measure in her daily press conference, said:

    Look, Republicans have said they don’t want Hunter traveling to foreign nations to collect bags of cash. This is how we stop that! Now he won’t need to.

    “He can just stay at home and smoke his crack in peace, with no need to travel to certain nations that the US is on friendly or unfriendly terms with and trade his dad’s name for cash. He just has the cash. It’s really quite the perfect solution if you remain open-minded to shifting standards regarding drug use.

    Mitch McConnell, who badgered the GOP into signing the spending package, crack money and all, also tried defending it, saying:

    “Look, folks, this isn’t ideal, obviously. But the fact remains that Hunter is going to pay for crack one way or another. We decided, after a long study into the matter, that it would be cheaper for the US in the long run if Hunter just got the money to pay for it rather than selling out US interests to the Red Chinese to pay for it. Call me crazy, but that seems like the fiscally responsible thing to do!”

    GOP support plummeted by about 10 points in the wake of that speech, with voters finally too fed up with the weak-kneed GOP leadership to stay on board any longer.

    Trump posted about the incident on Truth Social, saying “@Hunter, Jeb! needs some energy. Think you could share some of your free crack with him? Thanks!

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