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Slow Joe Declares War on Twitter after Being Told It’s Defending the Constitution

    pointy joe
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    According to a White House insider, President Joe Biden, waking up after a quick, 48-hour nap, was furious to discover that Elon Musk had purchased Twitter and was vowing to defend free speech on it, saying:

    What the hell, Jack? Who let this happen? Didn’t I send Hunter over to talk to those jokers and tell them not to sell?

    “Now we’re gonna have a bunch of dog-faced pony soldiers running around the blue bird with their AR-14s and calling me Brandon! Can’t have that, know what I mean?

    “So here’s the plan, Stan, we’re sending some of Hunter’s Navy buddies after him. The ones with the dolphin or whatever. Blow him and South Africa up if you need to! Got that, Jack?

    General Milley, bristling at being called Jack, decided to try and humiliate Biden by correcting him, saying:

    Actually, xir, are you referring to the Navy SEALs? They didn’t know Hunter because of his booger sugar addiction and they don’t have a dolphin, but are just called SEALs because they can fight on the Sea, Air, or Land.

    “And though Elon is from South Africa, he actually lives in Texas. So should we send the SEALs after him there?

    But Biden, refreshed after his two-day nap, wasn’t to be so quickly dissuaded and convinced that he was wrong. So, using his newfound power reserve, he clapped back at Milley, saying:

    “Hell no, Jack! The Dolphin force! With the cool goggles! I know my Army! I know you’re all in on that woke crap, but we need to win!”

    A staffer, sensing an opportunity to further humiliate the chastened Milley, said “Do you mean the Delta Force sir?

    Biden nodded and then got tired and dozed off, so Delta Force was, according to the insider, spinning up and getting ready to parachute into South Africa and look for Elon, but luckily the decision to launch them was stopped by Kamala Harris.

    She, upon seeing a live stream of them getting on the C-130s that would be dropping them into the African nation, wanted to know why the team was so homogeneous, saying:

    I see no black trans, pregnant men on that team? Why is this military still full of white supremacists? Why won’t you send a diverse force to defeat the mean man?!” She then started cackling, uncomfortable with having taken such a bold stand for diversity.

    Biden woke up at that point, Kamala’s cackle startling him out of a pleasant dream about oatmeal and a nice, warm blanket, which annoyed him. When asked if the military needed to find a more diverse force to hunt down Elon, Biden, confused and thinking the nukes were to be launched, infuriated Kamala but drew a few chuckles when he said:

    Hell no, Jack. Enriched uranium and affirmative action don’t mix. Now hit the button!

    He then fell back asleep and the White House called the whole thing off, deciding to instead announce that they’d like to see Twitter take more steps to protect the feelings of pregnant men on the platform.

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