NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden just decided, a day after he ordered the potentially World War III instigating bombing of Iranian targets in Syria and while Israeli troops begin to invade the Gaza Strip, that he needed to berate MAGA Republicans for “hate” based on one mass shooting half a decade ago. In that speech, he said:
Today marks five years since the deadly shooting at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh – the deadliest act of Antisemitism in our nation’s history. A gunman opened fire on Sabbath worshippers as they prayed, murdering 11 precious souls, wounding many more – including first responders. The hearts of Jewish communities were shattered, leaving behind survivors and families who will never be the same.
Deepening the wound, today’s remembrance comes on the heels of the deadliest day for the Jewish people since the Holocaust. On October 7th, a sacred Jewish holiday, the terrorist group Hamas unleashed pure evil against the people of Israel, slaughtering 1,400 Jews and taking hostage hundreds more. This devastating atrocity has brought to the surface painful memories left by millennia of Antisemitism and the genocide of the Jewish people. The fear is amplified by the alarming rise of Antisemitism abroad and at home.
Under my presidency, we will continue to condemn Antisemitism at every turn. We are increasing security around centers of Jewish life across the country. The Justice Department has made combating hate crimes a top priority. We passed the most significant gun safety law in nearly 30 years. And we are implementing the first-ever national strategy to counter Antisemitism. Because hate never goes away, it only hides until it is given just a little oxygen. And as a nation, we must ensure hate is never given any oxygen. During these difficult times, we must never lose hope or give up on a better tomorrow. We must recommit to speaking out against bigotry and hate in all its forms, whether it is racism, Antisemitism, or Islamophobia. And we must come together as fellow Americans to heal the soul of our nation.
Continuing, he said, “Look, folks, we know what these MAGA Republicans are up to. We can see it, can’t we? We know what is going on. And what is going on is obviously that they have hearts filled with hate! One of them conducted this shooting and killed all those Jewish folks in the synagogue! Heck, I bet that many of those Hamas fellas are racists in red hats too!”
“But what about your party, Mr. President?” Peter Doocy shouted out. “Tlaib, Omar, and many leftist campus groups are backing Hamas and calling for the end of Israel? How is that not anti-Semitic? How can you say Trump, who created a stable framework for peace in the Middle East, is the guy who wants Israel to die?”
Biden, glaring at Doocy, muttered, “Look, sure, my party is anti-Israel…but, uhhh, well…the Republicans are the real anti-Semites. And that’s a fact, Jack.”