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Team Biden Champions Respect for “Our Democracy” after Reauthorizing Secret Police

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Team Biden recently patted itself on the back for reauthorizing the FISA courts that were used in 2015-2016 to go after Trump, much as the Secret Police would behave in any banana republic. It did so in a statement released by the White House Briefing Room saying:

    The Biden-Harris Administration strongly supports the reauthorization by Congress of Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), a vital intelligence collection authority, which the Attorney General and the Director of National Intelligence conveyed today in a joint letter to congressional leadership. Section 702 has proven a cornerstone of U.S. national security. This authority is an invaluable tool that continues to protect Americans every day and is crucial to ensuring that U.S. defense, intelligence, and law enforcement agencies can respond to threats from the People’s Republic of China, Russia, nefarious cyber actors, terrorists, and those who seek to harm our critical infrastructure.

    Reauthorization of Section 702 and other expiring FISA provisions is a top priority for the Administration. I have asked Principal Deputy National Security Advisor Jon Finer to coordinate the reauthorization effort for the White House, in close partnership with the Department of Justice, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, and other federal partners, as we engage constructively with the Congress to preserve this essential tool for protecting the United States.

    That wasn’t good enough for Biden, however. Slow Joe had to show that he is very proud to stand by the banana republic court system, so he appeared on a “Twitter spaces” space to discuss it with Kamala Harris, who cackled the entire time. Speaking on the matter, Biden said:

    “Now, look, man, this is important! I’m tellin you we gotta do this. Ain’t no choice, Jack. And lemme tell you why: it’s because no one else can defend our democracy. Our democracy is under attack. The bad orange man that says those mean things, the right wing racists that say even worse things on the internet, all of them need to be held accountable if our democracy is to be kept safe. And that’s no joke, Jack.

    “So we gotta have these courts. Sure, they might go a tad too far every now and again. But that’s worth it if it means our democracy is kept safe from racism and mean speech. Ain’t no point in having democracy if we have mean speech! That sounds like Putin’s Russia, where they’re very mean about trans stuff. Real bad guys, I’ll tell ya.”

    Biden then fell asleep without saying anything and Dr. Jill had to start speaking and assure the audience that he was still alive, but had just “had a long day.” The space occurred at 3 in the afternoon.

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