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Team Biden Declares American Needs “More Censorship” to “Protect Our Democracy”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Team Biden just put out a statement describing how they plan on defending “our democracy” in the future and…it’s about as bad as you’d expect. If not worse. Beginning the statement, they use as many buzz words as possible, particularly “technology” and “democracy.” In their words:

    The first wave of the digital revolution promised that new technologies would support democracy and human rights. The second saw an authoritarian counterrevolution. Now, the United States and other democracies are working together to ensure that the third wave of the digital revolution leads to a technological ecosystem characterized by resilience, integrity, openness, trust and security, and that reinforces democratic principles and human rights.

    Together, we are organizing and mobilizing to ensure that technologies work for, not against, democratic principles, institutions, and societies.  In so doing, we will continue to engage the private sector, including by holding technology platforms accountable when they do not take action to counter the harms they cause, and by encouraging them to live up to democratic principles and shared values.

    At the first Summit for Democracy, President Biden launched the Presidential Initiative for Democratic Renewal, an innovative, targeted expansion of U.S. Government efforts to defend and grow democratic resilience with likeminded partners through diplomacy and foreign assistance. The United States’ agenda on advancing technology for democracy constitutes one of the Presidential Initiative’s five pillars.

    This agenda recognizes that to harness current and emerging technology in a manner that supports democratic values and institutions, democracies must put forward a vision of what they stand for – an affirmative, persuasive, secure and privacy-preserving, values-driven, and rights-respecting view of how technology can enable individual dignity and economic prosperity, and also what they will stand against – the misuse and abuse of technology to repress, control, divide, discriminate, and disenfranchise.  Additionally, democracies must continue looking ahead, so as to align emerging technologies, such as artificial intelligence (AI), with respect for democratic principles, human rights and fundamental freedoms.

    And how do they plan on defending cherished democracy and fighting the “abuse of technology to repress, control, divide, discriminate, and disenfranchise”? Why, with censorship, of course! Reading out the statement from the Oval Office, Biden proceeded to go on a long tear about “using censorship to defend freedom of speech in our democracy.” Rambling while looking around the room aimlessly, Biden declared that the government would be nationalizing Twitter to fight “hate speech” and that a military squad was on its way to “neutralize online racists.”

    He then proceeded to ramble about how “Putin used technology to attack democracy,” presumably in reference to the few thousand dollars Russia spent on laughably bad Facebook ads. It was unclear, however, as Dr. Jill appeared on the screen and led him offstage to have some applesauce. He never returned to the set, leading to Karine Jean-Pierre awkwardly telling people that the press conference was over before the White House cut the live stream.

    Sen. Mitt Romney immediately backed Biden’s proposal, calling it “common sense free speech reform.”

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