NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
With CNN announcing that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi intends on traveling to Taiwan this week (probably Thursday) during her trip to Asia, the specter of nuclear war has again been raised, although this time with Red China rather than Putin’s Russia.
That’s because the Red Chinese have claimed that if Pelosi does choose to visit Taiwan, or the Republic of China as it used to be known, then they “won’t hesitate” to retaliate and hit back with military force.
Bluster? Perhaps, but it shows that emotions are running even higher than tensions and that we could soon find ourselves in the world of “Fallout”, trading bottlecaps for bullets while fighting creatures mutated by radiation.
Fortunately, Team Biden and the Federal Reserve have announced some good news: according to them, even a nuclear war won’t lead to a recession “because of the strength of our diversity-powered economy.”
Making that announcement meant they had to once again change the definition of recession, this time to “something from which humanity will certainly never recover, at least until Biden is out of office, at which point it will revert to just being two consecutive quarters of economic contraction.”
Commenting on the change to the definition and why a nuclear war with China wouldn’t mean recession, Biden press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said:
“Well, look, it just doesn’t really matter if enriched plutonium and uranium rain down on America and turn it into a sea of fire. Why? Because diversity is our strength and America is now very diverse.
“Back in the 50s, America was nowhere near as diverse as it is now, so a nuclear war would have meant a recession: that is, it would have never recovered, as it wouldn’t have had the diversity to power economic growth after the bombs fell. Now we do.
“So we have this to say to China: if it’s war you want over Taiwan, it’s war you’ll get. As a diverse nation, we’re ready to rebuild and will certainly do so far faster than you and your almost entirely Han Chinese nation can.”
As she said that, there was a riot happening in DC because some aggrieved group decided that alarm clocks were “racist.”
Janet Yellen echoed Jean-Pierre’s comments in a statement of her own, announcing that “there will be no recession if the bombs fall” because “America has already learned from the passing of George Floyd and stands ready to empower diverse communities during the rebuilding process.”
Many economists were unimpressed with Team Biden’s pronouncements, arguing that a nuclear war that wiped out every major city in America and China, along with whatever other nations decided to launch the missiles, would “certainly” lead to an economic situation “far worse than the Great Depression.”
Pelosi, for her part, has been buying a huge number of options, betting that markets will recover after pricing in her causing WWIII.