NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden went full steam ahead with wokeness on Thanksgiving, using the holiday opportunity for goodwill not to lower the culture war temperature, but instead to ratchet it up to 11 and declare that Thanksgiving is actually “racist.” Beginning, he said:
As families, loved ones, and friends across the country come together to celebrate Thanksgiving, let us be grateful for all the blessings of this Nation and its limitless possibilities. Throughout our country’s history, this season of reflection and giving thanks comes in good times and tough ones. Before there was a United States of America, the Pilgrims celebrated Thanksgiving in honor of their first successful harvest and the support and generosity of the Wampanoag people who made it possible. Amid the fierce battle for our Nation’s independence, General George Washington and his troops celebrated Thanksgiving on the way to Valley Forge. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving a national holiday to honor the blessings of our country, even as he fought to preserve our Union.
This week, Americans will gather with their loved ones and families, celebrating the love they share and the traditions they built together. To those who are also enduring hard times or grieving the loss of a loved one, know that we are thinking of you.
We are truly a good Nation because we are a good people — the First Lady and I see it every time we travel the country because we meet so many incredible people doing the most extraordinary things. We have met with service members, veterans, and their families, who have selflessly served and sacrificed for our country. We have witnessed the resolve of firefighters, police officers, and first responders, who risk their lives every day to protect us. We have seen the best of our character in the doctors, nurses, scientists, public servants, union workers, and teachers, who ensure everyone is taken care of and no one is left behind. We have seen all the possibilities this Nation holds in the mothers, fathers, and caregivers, who work hard to build a future worthy of their children’s greatest dreams, and in young people across the country, who are the most talented, engaged, and educated generation in history.
Then, continuing, he went with the racism bit, saying, “NOW, THEREFORE, I, JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR., President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim that Thanksgiving is a ‘racist’ holiday. So though we will continue to celebrate gluttony with feast and consumerism with Black Friday sales, from now on all references to Pilgrims, God, and other aspects of colonial and settler culture will be abolished forever.”
“While this is a tough decision given the memories many of us have of Thanksgiving, it is important to remember that we must put our feelings behind the feelings of many minority groups that feel oppressed by Thanksgiving and the theft of native land and death of brown people that came from European colonization of America.”