NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It is “heart health month” according to someone in the White House, and though such made up holidays generally mean little to the average person, it apparently means a lot to Slow Joe, and so now the average American is going to have to care a lot. Why? Because Biden is using the heart health holiday to ban meat for a month in the name of “fighting heart disease and climate change.” Beginning the speech, he said:
Each year, heart disease takes the lives of nearly 700,000 Americans. It is the leading cause of death in our country. Too many of us are familiar with the pain of losing a loved one to a heart attack, stroke, or coronary heart disease. There is still hope, however: With the adoption of a healthy lifestyle and access to good health care, these conditions can often be prevented and lives can be saved.
That is why my Administration is committed to giving families the tools they need to stay healthy. In 2022, we hosted the first White House Conference on Hunger, Nutrition, and Health in over 50 years and released a national strategy to end hunger and reduce diet-related diseases by 2030. Our strategy includes improving food access and affordability by providing free, healthy meals to millions of students, expanding incentives for fruits and vegetables in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, and expanding Medicaid and Medicare coverage to provide nutrition and obesity counseling.
I have often said that health care should be a right, not a privilege. Every American deserves access to the health care and treatment they need. In 2022, I was proud to sign the Inflation Reduction Act, which, once in effect will cap the total out-of-pocket drug costs for seniors and others with Medicare at $2,000 per year, saving nearly 19 million families an average of $400 per year. I have also improved access to dental services for people with Medicare who need certain cardiac procedures — these dental services have been shown to reduce unnecessary and preventable acute and chronic complications for the patient. These measures ensure that people on Medicare who have heart disease will be better able to access the preventative services and treatments they need.
Continuing, Biden added, “And look here, Jack. What we’re gonna do is fight back in ways the bad orange man would never dream of. Never! We are! We gotta stop the heart issues, man. So we’re gonna listen to those fellows at the World Economic Forum…real smart guys, they are. And we’re going to ban meat for a month to fight for heart dis…umm, we’re going to ban meat, I mean, to fight heart disease and climate change.”
“The radical MAGA Republicans are gonna moan about tyranny! I know it. They are. But we can’t listen to em. These are important issues and we gotta fight back. Too many people are sick and too much world warming is happening. So we’re gonna fight it with this.”