NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Biden Administration came out swinging against Rep. Matt Gaetz in a recent statement on the budget, with President Joe Biden announcing that Gaetz would be arrested for trying to convince Republicans to not pass a budget that includes funding for “LGBTQIA+ art in Ukraine”. Biden began his statement by explaining the appropriations bill and why what was passed was passed, saying:
Last night, Congress passed the spending bill that’s going to keep the government open. And it’s good news for the American people because the government will not shut down and a needless crisis will have been averted, saving millions — millions of Americans needless pain. And that means more than one hun- — one million three hundred thousand of our troops will continue to get paid and their families will be cared for. Tens of thousands — tens of thousands of air traffic controllers and transportation security officers are going to stay on the job, get paid — preventing unnecessary delays at airports all across America.
And millions of families will continue to have access to critical food and nutrition assistance, especially programs for women and infant children, and so many other programs. And the vital work in science and health — from cancer research to food safety — is going to continue, as will long-term disaster recovery monies for communities devastated by wildfires, superstorms, and droughts. The Social Security Administration will be fully funded, which means it will be able to fully serve the needs of the American people and the elderly.
But folks, the truth is: We shouldn’t be here in the first place. We shouldn’t have gotten here in the first place.It’s time to end governing by crisis and keep your word when you give it in the Congress. A few months ago, after a long negotiation between myself and the Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives, we came to agree on a budget agreement precisely to avoid a manufactured crisis that we just witnessed. But the last few days and weeks, extreme MAGA Republicans tried to walk away from that deal, voting for deep, drastic spending cuts from 30 to 80 percent that would’ve been devastating for millions of Americans. They failed again. They failed again, and we stopped them. But I’m under no illusions that they’ll be back again.
Continuing, he then said that to stop “MAGA Republicans” before it’s too late, the DOJ would be arresting Re0. Gaetz: “So look here. We’re gonna stop this. We’re gonna take action before it’s too late. Instead of waiting for them to come back, we’re gonna nip this in the bud. That is why I am announcing the arrest of Rep. Matt Gaetz.”
“Rep. Gaetz, in trying to rally MAGA Republicans and extremists to not support the budget, was obstructing an official proceeding. He was trying to stop us from funding LGBTQIA+ art in Ukraine! That’s unacceptable, and it won’t be tolerated. So, under the statute we’ve used to lock up the terrorists behind Jan. 6, we will now be arresting Rep. Gaetz and prosecuting him to the fullest extent of the law.”