NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It’s another day with Biden as President of the United States, so America got another Biden gaffe shockers when his handlers made the mistake of letting him speak. Such came this time when Biden gave a speech on the JFK assassination and accidentally admitted that what really happened was the CIA assassinated JFK after he threatened to strip it of funding. Beginning his speech, Biden said:
Sixty years ago today, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, a defining moment of deep trauma and loss that shocked the soul of our nation. Millions of Americans still remember exactly where we were when it happened. I was in college and had just left class, joining other students glued to the news in silence along with the entire country.
The weeks and months that followed awakened a generation. President Kennedy had been a war hero, senator, and statesman. He set our nation’s compass firmly on many of the most consequential issues of the 20th century, from civil rights, to voting rights, to equal pay for women. He led with calm resolve through the most dangerous moments of the Cold War. And at the dawn of a new decade, he called us forward to a new frontier, propelling us to the moon and beyond. He inspired a nation to see public service as a calling.
Like millions, I deeply felt his conviction and dreams for America. His ideas rhymed with the lessons I’d learned from the nuns at school and around my father’s kitchen table – that we are each called to do good works on this earth, to try to make our world a better place in the service of others. But what stuck with me most was President Kennedy’s courage, his heroic sense of duty, and his family’s capacity to absorb profound suffering.
That’s when he let the CIA detail slip, saying, “And look, folks, this is…well, it is important. So, umm, what happened is that. Well, so his family’s sense of duty was large enough that they didn’t speak out after the CIA killed John. And lemme tell ya, I’ve seen the files. That was a big ask. JFK was threatening to shut down the CIA, or at least slash its funding, as you probably know. He thought it was incompetent, or whatever. So they shot him and blamed that Oswald fellow. Weird name that is, Oswald. Anyway, I saw the file and they framed him and killed Kennedy to keep their funding, and LBJ was all on board. That’s LBJ, not LGB, lemme tell ya.”
That’s when a man in a black suit walked on stage, grabbed Biden by the arm with what the crowd could easily see was a quite firm grip, and quickly ushered him off stage. Biden asked if he was being taken to the “oatmeal room,” but the man didn’t say a word, just walking straight ahead in his dark sunglasses.