NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What’s going on in Biden’s brain? Not much. Such was obvious when he gave his expected statement on the shooting in Kansas City. Though he was expected to fall in line with all leftists and blame guns rather than criminals for the shooting, Brandon went above and beyond, directly blaming the gun for being “evil.” Kicking things off, he said:
The Super Bowl is the most unifying event in America. Nothing brings more of us together. And the celebration of a Super Bowl win is a moment that brings a joy that can’t be matched to the winning team and their supporters. For this joy to be turned to tragedy today in Kansas City cuts deep in the American soul. Today’s events should move us, shock us, shame us into acting. What are we waiting for? What else do we need to see? How many more families need to be torn apart? It is time to act. That’s where I stand. And I ask the country to stand with me. To make your voice heard in Congress so we finally act to ban assault weapons, to limit high-capacity magazines, strengthen background checks, keep guns out of the hands of those who have no business owning them or handling them.We know what we have to do, we just need the courage to do it.
Today, on a day that marks six years since the Parkland shooting, we learned that three police officers were shot in the line of duty in Washington, DC and another school shooting took place at Benjamin Mays High School in Atlanta. Yesterday marked one year since the shooting at Michigan State University. We’ve now had more mass shootings in 2024 than there have been days in the year.
The epidemic of gun violence is ripping apart families and communities every day. Some make the news. Much of it doesn’t. But all of it is unacceptable. We have to decide who we are as a country. For me, we’re a country where people should have the right to go to school, to go to church, to walk the street — and to attend a Super Bowl celebration — without fear of losing your life to gun violence. Jill and I pray for those killed and injured today in Kansas City, and for our country to find the resolve to end this senseless epidemic of gun violence tearing us at the seams.
He continued, “And look, folks, this gun was straight evil. ‘Gun violence’ this, ‘gun violence’ that. I know the truth: the guns are to blame! They are! The pistol Hunter bought forced him, at gunpoint, to do crack cocaine and then toss the gun in the dumpster. The gun I bought forced me to accept millions in bribes from China. And the Glock these gentlemen in KC were using evidently forced them to go on a mass shooting! These guns are almost as bad as those socioeconomic factors I keep hearing about…”