NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden gave a speech on “gun violence” on Independence Day, a bizarre attack on liberty on the day which is supposed to be used to celebrate it. Embarrassingly, he got confused during the speech and started attacking Hunter Biden, forgetting that Hunter is his son.
The speech began with the usual sort of drivel that pro-gun control politicians push out to attack liberty, with the president saying:
Over the last few days, our nation has once again endured a wave of tragic and senseless shootings in communities across America — from Philadelphia to Fort Worth, Baltimore to Lansing, Wichita to Chicago. Today, Jill and I grieve for those who have lost their lives and, as our nation celebrates Independence Day, we pray for the day when our communities will be free from gun violence.
Today also marks one year since a shooter armed with an AR-15-style weapon fired upon a crowd of Americans gathered for an Independence Day parade in Highland Park, Illinois. In mere moments, this day of patriotic pride became a scene of pain and tragedy.
In the year since, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker, Highland Park Mayor Nancy Rotering, legislative leaders, and numerous advocates, and gun violence survivors have fought tirelessly to turn the pain of Highland Park and other acts of gun violence into meaningful action on behalf of all Illinoisans. This past January, they succeeded in banning assault weapons – like the one used in Highland Park – as well as high-capacity magazines across Illinois.
Their achievement will save lives. But it will not erase their grief. It will not bring back the seven Americans killed in Highland Park or heal the injuries and trauma that scores of others will continue to carry. And as we have seen over the last few days, much more must be done in Illinois and across America to address the epidemic of gun violence that is tearing our communities apart.
But then he said, “And look, this is a big deal. I saw a bunch of stories about this fella named Hunter. He was addicted to crack-cocaine, which is real nasty, nasty stuff. And he, uhh, he like posted pictures of him smoking crack! Everyone knew it. Was a big, big deal. And that’s the truth, Jack. But he was able to buy a gun! All he did was lie on a form and he got to have a handgun! And a crack addict could possess a gun! There’s no way that that’s like a uhhh, a good system if that can happen! These laws should have stopped Hunter, and that’s a fact, Jack.”
A Secret Service agent then walked on stage and whispered in his ear, presumably to tell him that Hunter is his son and just signed a sweetheart deal for the violation. Biden, stuttering while wandering off the stage, said, “Well, uhh, I got the details wrong. Hunter’s a good guy and these attacks on him need to stop!”