NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Tom Brady recently announced his retirement (again), saying, in a video released to Twitter:
“Good morning, guys. I’ll get to the point right away. I’m retiring for good.
“I know the process was a pretty big deal last time so when I woke up this morning, I figured I just press record. let you guys know first so won’t be long-winded.
If you only get one super emotional retirement essay and I used mine last year so really thank you guys so much to every single one of you for supporting me, my family, my friends, my teammates, my competitors, I could go on forever. There’s too many.
“Thank you guys for allowing me to live my absolute dream. I wouldn’t change a thing. Love you all.”
So, Brady is apparently out of professional football…though he’s done this before, so who knows what he’s really up to.
In any case, the NFL has already announced that, though they don’t know who will replace Brady, they promise that it will be a “trans woman of color.”
Announcing that in a video posted to Twitter as a comment on Brady’s announcement post, Roger Goodell said:
“We know we need to improve diversity here at the NFL. Though we’re doing our best to add as many people of color to all the teams as is possible, we’re falling behind in skill positions and we know and apologize for that. Many linebackers and linemen are people of color, but far too many quarterbacks and kickers are white. We’re going to change that, one player at a time.
“And now Mr. Brady’s exciting announcement offers us an exciting opportunity. Thanks to him, we get to add one more person of color to a top spot in the NFL. Only this won’t just be any person of color. Though we’re not quite sure yet who will replace Mr. Brady, we can promise you that, whoever we choose, Mr. Brady’s replacement will be a TRANS woman of color.
“Such a move has been delayed for far too long here at the NFL and we’re beyond excited to finally have an opportunity to rectify it and make good our ancestor’s failings in this small way.
“Have a nice day and, as always, Black Lives Matter!”
Goodell then logged off and ended the video. Brady, commenting on Goodell’s anti-white screed, posted a picture of himself with former President Donald Trump and said “looks like I got out at just the right time. Y’all are weirdos.”
By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1