NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What’s going on in the Biden Administration? Nothing good. Lately, it’s been a mix of spastic bombing campaigns and calls for ceasefire, as if America can conceivably be successful in bombing Iran with one hand while demanding everyone just calm down with the other.
But while the potentially thermonuclear disaster in the Middle East…and Eastern Europe…and Taiwan Straight continues to unfold, Team Biden is declaring victory at home in America’s infrastructure buildup. Biden explained as much to a dubious crowd during a speech on infrastructure, first talking about himself in the third person then yelling about tornadoes.
It began with Biden having grabbed the wrong speech. Instead of taking his actual speech along with him, he took an administration propaganda piece on the state of America’s infrastructure buildup, so he was referring to himself as “president Biden,” which was entertaining, even if it showed his scarily limited mental state. He said:
Two years ago, President Biden signed the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law – a once-in-a-generation investment in America’s infrastructure and competitiveness. Since then, the Biden-Harris Administration has been breaking ground on projects to rebuild our roads and bridges, deliver clean and safe water, clean up legacy pollution, expand access to high-speed internet, and build a clean energy economy. Through his Investing in America agenda, a core pillar of Bidenomics, President Biden is delivering an “Infrastructure Decade” that is unlocking access to economic opportunity, creating good-paying jobs, boosting domestic manufacturing, and growing America’s economy from the middle up and bottom out – not the top-down.
To date, the Administration has announced nearly $400 billion in Bipartisan Infrastructure Law funding, including over 40,000 specific projects and awards, across over 4,500 communities in all 50 states, D.C the territories, and for Tribes. This comes as House Republicans are turning their backs on American infrastructure – trying to slash funding that would make our transportation safer, more reliable, and more convenient.
To highlight the wide-ranging impact of the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law, the White House is also releasing updated state by state fact sheets today, along with an updated map showcasing the more than 40,000 projects and awards identified or now underway.
Then someone from Biden’s staff ran on stage and handed him the correct speech while whispering something in his year, probably a quick note that he had been reading off the wrong speech and referring to himself in the third person.
Whatever was said, it scared Biden who then had trouble reading off of the speech he had been handed, likely not trusting it and thinking it too would make him look idiotic. So, he ignored it and made himself look idiotic, rambling about tornadoes in an attempt to justify his administration’s economic policies.
“Look, Jack, tornadoes are scary,” the president said. “Those big pillars of air and…and, well, whatever else is in em. Dirt and stuff. Lots of power, lots of destruction! Tornadoes can destroy houses, bridges, heck, even cities! So we gotta build back, and that’s why I’m declaring this victory on the infrastructure war.”