NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Pressured by the new, woke Prime Minister of Israel to go to war with Iran to stop it from oppressing “LGBTQ+” people in the region, Biden quickly bent to his demands and those of AIPAC, sending the entire fleet of B-2 Spirit bombers to turn Iran into a glowing parking lot.
The bomb drop was mostly successful, taking out all major Iranian military bases and cities, but the series of nuclear explosions concerned the Russians and Chinese, who responded to the US attack with their own nuclear attacks on its bases in the regions and in their sphere of influence. As bombs fell on US bases in Japan, South Korea, Okinawa, Saudi Arabia, and Poland, the US was forced to respond, hitting Russia and China with its own series of nuclear attacks.
That then led to a general conflagration, with sub-launched nukes, ICBMs, and even nuclear cruise missiles fired from naval vessels hitting cities and bases all around the world.
Biden’s Air Force One, which had been circling above the explosions in safe air space, then landed in America after the bombs had finished falling, walking down the ramp of Air Force One to survey the newly irradiated United States.
Picking through the rubble, Biden gave an impromptu speech to the gathering crowd of hungry, scared survivors of the nuclear attack (perhaps the radiation was good for his brain), saying:
“Listen folks, I understand you are hungry now. I understand you’re scared. I understand we’re on the verge of falling back into a dark age not unlike that which happened after the fall of the Mcyanean Greek Empire. We’re talking real problems and real suffering that we won’t soon recover from, if we recover at all.
“But it was worth it. In nuking those mean Iranians and fascist Russians (he left out the attacks on China, as it would have been non-PC to admit to bombing people of color), we defended trans rights around the globe! Now women with penises and pregnant men can be safe and secure from government oppression wherever they are. That’s what the US stands for, what the ultimate good is, and is a decision I am proud to stand by.”
The furious crowd then tore him to pieces, viewing him as a fresh meal and beyond angry that he would destroy the world to protect the “rights” of some lunatic that wanted to saw off his genitals.
Kamala Harris and General Milley then tried restoring order but failed, as it turned out the they/them army was unable to win a war in America, just as it lost in Afghanistan, with decidedly non-woke, non-LGBTQ+ friendly gangs and militias taking over what parts of the US survived the fallout.