NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Furious over the FBI raid of his Mar-a-Lago home, former President Donald Trump has announced a new strategy for avoiding FBI attacks on his information and dodging future attempts to intimidate him into being quiet.
Announcing that plan during a phone call with Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity, Trump said:
“Look, I have nothing to hide, nothing. Everything I did as president was completely perfect. Just ask. Everyone will say so, let me tell you what, everyone.
“But I like the FBI losers crawling around my house about as much as the next guy. It’s my home, not a Dunkin’ Donuts, why are they there?! Very dumb, very annoying, don’t like it at all.
“To tell you the truth, Sean, I think they really just wanted to see Mar-a-Lago. It’s very beautiful this time of year; the temperature of the area, the palm trees, it goes very well with the Spanish architecture. I think the FBI just wanted to see it.
“But they went there, which they shouldn’t have done, and there will be hell to pay…I’m very upset with them for doing that. However, before I have the opportunity to punish them, I need to deal with them.
“So here’s what I did, Sean, I had Rudy ship me a copy of Hunter Biden’s hard drive and I had all my data copied onto the very bottom of it, so they have to wade through everything, all those nasty pictures of Hunter and horrible stuff he did…he’s a terrible person, Sean, lots of shocking stuff on there, if they want to see any of my data. It’s deleted everywhere else, so all the Trump stuff is mixed in with Hunter Biden info now.
“And let me tell you what, Sean, I think that means they’ll just ignore me. You’ve seen how they act. They’re nasty, nasty people that are very biased and just want to get Trump. They want to ignore Hunter, so if everything from my presidency is mixed in with those terrible pictures of Hunter smoking crack, or with naked kids…oh yeah, that’s on there too, they’ll just ignore it.”
The FBI declined to directly comment on what former President Trump said, though Director Wray told concerned, doubtful reporters that “no one is above the law.”
Shortly after that, however, the FBI decided to drop its Trump investigation, something Trump pinned on it being unwilling to look into Hunter Biden.
Commenting on the issue on Truth Social, Trump said “Of course, they’re running scared. Anything to avoid holding Hunter accountable! What a sick joke our “law enforcement” is in this country, very sad! Will have to change that after 2024, mark my words: Trump is coming and they better start hiding now if they want to survive.”