NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
“We…uhh…in Florida, we don’t hire RINOs, we hire patriots!” Ron DeSantis said toward the beginning of a recent speech meant to rally support for his already flagging, though well-funded from pharmaceutical company dollars, 2024 presidential campaign.
“And that’s why,” the Florida governor said in his characteristically nasal voice, “you need to vote for me instead of that bad orange man, Donald Trump.” The comment received a smattering of applause from people associated with the DeSantis campaign, though most in the crowd were already checking their phones and laughing at memes Trump had posted on Truth Social about DeSantis and his staff.
“When that bad orange man was in office,” DeSantis continued, choking on a skittle and gagging grossly before sipping some water and picking up where he left off. Trying again to continue, DeSantis said, “he did lots of bad things. He, for example, hired lots of RINOs! He hired them to work in his White House, where of course they did lots of things many real American patriots don’t like.”
“For example,” DeSantis said, “he never built the wall thanks to those RINOs. Here in Florida, we would definitely build a wall if we needed to! And that’s why we sent one busload of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard and then never did so again because we didn’t want to make the people who live up there, many of whom winter in Florida, too uncomfortable. We really showed them!”
“So, anyway, here in Florida we stand up to RINOs! We make sure to do so, despite those mean memes of me on a rhino that former, and let me emphasize FORMER, president Trump posted on Truth Social. Speaking of which, he should get on Twitter and see if he can stand up to me and Elon. I doubt it, Elon is a very powerful guy and he is very nice to me. He even gave some money to my campaign. So is Trump a coward, or is he too attached to that small app, Truth Social?”
“I bet it’s the latter, y’all, because he’s scared of what we here in Florida will say to him! And trust me, it would not be overly complimentary. And that’s because he, Trump, had way too many RINOs in his cabinet…which is why we hired all of them. Because we in Florida do what the donors want, no matter how bad that is for our voters. Lots of big pharma dollars are flowing into the coffers, so we’re gonna do what they want us to do!”