NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Twitter addicts everywhere were shocked on Tuesday when the service, which had decided to try using solar power to power its servers in the name of “cutting carbon emissions”, blinked out for a few hours after clouds formed above the solar panels.
With the service down, various anonymous posters and wannabe blue checks were forced to turn off their phones, close out their browsers, and go talk to real people for a few hours while Twitter hooked its servers back up to the carbon-powered power grid, which can function even on cloudy days.
What they found shocked them: “Wait, I can use more than 280 characters?!” one basement-dweller was heard exclaiming while ordering chicken fingers and fries at a local restaurant.
Another, taking the opportunity to restock on Mountain Dew and Doritos, said “Wait, I don’t have to speak in brief snippets and say 1/# whenever I want to speak for longer and create a thread? This is crazy, I can say anything with so much more ease!”
Still another was shocked that things are not as contentious or openly hostile in real life, reacting with shock when he wandered around for a full hour without anyone screaming at him for daring to say something or for merely existing. That spell was broken, however, when a homeless person who had obviously been smoking “parmesan” with Hunter Biden started screeching at him and chasing him around his hometown of San Francisco. “I guess the crazy people are the same everywhere, even in real life”, he muttered.
There were many such cases of homeless people going berserk and reminding the recently released posters that people are crazy everywhere, but otherwise life seemed far better outside the flaming dumpster fire of Twitter than inside it, with some even going so far as to permanently delete the app from their phones so that the only crazy people with whom they had to deal were the homeless drug addicts prowling the streets.
Others, however, were less enthused about the whole thing, finding it harder to speak in full sentences and hold conversations than to go crazy making fun of strangers on the internet and responding to any statement with derision and memes.
Still others found real life boring and, rather than try to make conversation at a bar, watch a sports team take a knee in support of BLM, or try to dodge homeless people and their feces on the sidewalk, just logged back on to the cursed bird app and went back to anonymously trolling and posting.
Elon Musk, when Twitter resumed service, promised that under his leadership it would “be able to deal with clouds”, a tweet that was fact-checked as untrue, with Politifact saying that it was “one cloud”, not multiple “clouds” that took down Twitter’s solar grid, and so Elon was technically incorrect in his depiction of what happened.
By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of GenZConservative.com. Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List