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UH-OH: Kamala Blamed after Biden Goes Missing

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    It’s been a long, worrisome day at the White House. Why? Because Slow Joe went missing and no one has been able to find him despite hours of searching. An anonymous insider, leaking details about the situation to us, had this to say:

    So here’s what happened: we were having a fine morning, trying to deal with whatever Joe said incorrectly yesterday while managing what Psaki was going to say about the crises abroad, the inflation crisis, and the general disaster zone at the border. 

    “That was fine, as it’s what we’ve been doing for months now, so we’re used to it. Correct a few transcripts, blame the Republicans for something, and move on. Simple. Just say Trump did it or that DeSantis hates gay people. The spin is easy.

    “But then, when Joe was supposed to show up so we could give him a bullet point list of things he absolutely can’t talk about under any circumstances, which is everything other than like crap about how much he loves dogs or whatever, he didn’t show up.

    “We thought he had gotten lost, as happens at least once a week, so we started walking around and looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. We even checked the Rose Garden, where he’s sometimes sitting crying after bees buzz too close to him, but he wasn’t there.

    “So, thinking he must have a meeting or something going on, we just went back to the room where we’d been going over talking points. He wasn’t there, but Kamala was, and she was both wearing a different outfit than what she’d been wearing in the morning and had obviously just taken a shower, which was weird because it was noon.

    Apparently, that was when the finger-pointing started, as the staffers thought Kamala had “taken out” Biden and hid the body somewhere, particularly because she was gleeful at the idea that she’d be president under the 25th Amendment if no one could find Biden and pressed for that to happen immediately.

    Plus it would have explained the outfit change and shower, which she said were caused by her spilling coffee all over herself while laughing, something that seemed possible enough, particularly given her tendency to cackle, and the fact that she spilled coffee on herself while nervously laughing after being asked where Biden was.

    The Secret Service, however, wasn’t convinced and started asking her a good number of questions, which significantly raised the tensions in the room and started to lead to a shouting match between all the factions involved, with Team Kamala declaring that everyone questioning her was a “racist” because they were “immediately blaming the woman of color.”

    It was then that Biden appeared, eating a bagel. He’d apparently wandered off to a nearby deli, where he ordered a bag of bagels, walked out without paying, and then got somewhat lost in DC on his way back and had to convince a skeptical protester to guide him back to the White House.

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