NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
There’s a bad, dark moon on the rise now that Elon Musk, the eccentric oligarch who comes from apartheid-era South Africa, is in charge of Twitter. Thanks to him, rampaging crowds of self-proclaimed “Twitter respecters” are going wild and assaulting people they call “censorship enthusiasts” in a wild orgy of violence directed at those who once controlled the censorship-prone social media site.
In fact, the crowds of “Twitter respecters,” all die-hard Elon Musk fans wearing around Tesla hats and carrying jumper cables with them, have even gone so far as to assault famed, highly-respected CNN talking [potato]head, Brian Stelter.
He announced that in a tearful broadcast shortly after the attack, the vicious crowd’s jumper cables oddly still attached to his nipples as he cried and told viewers about the horrifying attack.
Crying on air, he managed, between heavy sobs, to say:
“They, they, they said ‘get over here, Mr. Potatohead,’ and then started chasing me around after I walked out of McDonald’s with a small snack [an extra-large order of fries]. I’ve been on a bulking routine to, you know, build up my muscular frame, recently, so my cario abilities aren’t what they normally are. Thus, the crowd caught up to me pretty fast, chanting ‘this is Elon country’ as they caught up to me and dragged me to the ground.
Then, they held me down like bullies used to in high school and said ‘do we want us a fried potato or a peeled potato,’ waving the knife around my head and hooking the jumper cables up to me.
I then heroically fought them off, managing to get away with everything but my french fries, which they threw at me while yelling that I was engaging in cannibalism! It was terrible, and now I’m hungry!”
As if on cue, Stelter then removed the jumper cables, moaning softly as he did so. Upon hearing that, CNN cut the broadcast, switching over to an Applebee’s commercial.
Footage of the incident later emerged, somewhat contradicting Stelter’s version of events. Apparently, what really happened was that Brian had hopped into what he thought was his Tesla for a post-snack Zoom call with Toobin.
Both were “zoomin with Toobin” as the kids call it nowadays, and Stelter ended up doing some freaky things with the jumper cables. Problem was, not only was he in public, but it wasn’t his Tesla that he’d hopped into to make the call.
The owner politely rapped on the window and asked him to leave, at which point a humiliated and pantless Stelter bolted out of the Tesla and ran away crying, eventually making it back to the CNN office where he proceeded to call Jussie Smollett and settle on a story about what happened to him.
Upon reviewing the footage and being mercilessly mocked on Twitter for it, Stelter said he had gone into a “fugue” state after Elon bought Twitter and had no recollection of the day’s events.