NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Desperate to make himself and his party look at least somewhat less bad in the run-up to midterms (though he’s unfortunately being helped by the RINOs and their unwillingness to take a stand and start fighting back against the left, giving Biden a step up), President Brandon has decided on a new PR strategy.
What is it? Rather than acknowledging that his administration has made a few errors and will correct them to make us all better off, Brandon has instead started blaming random things for his faults.
First it was the bad orange man and all those “semi-fascists” that supported him, people the left hates more than anything.
But then most normies started to wake up and realized that Trump and most of his supporters have been kicked off of and out of everything everywhere at this point, and thus are unlikely to have hurt the economy all that much over the past year.
So then Biden switched to blaming Putin and his “oligarch” advisors for destroying the economy. But then people took a look at the data and realized that Russia’s economy has, despite the sanctions placed on it by Brandon and his friends, actually done reasonably well as of late. So Russia isn’t the problem…
Then even the most Marvel and soy-addled normies started eyeing Team Biden and wondering if it was the problem, at which point Biden pulled out all the stops and blamed…you guessed it, “pollution,” for his unpopularity.
According to him, “Cornpop…you see, Cornpop, we’ll he’s a bad dude. And he’s been, well, like, he’s been putting pollutants in the water. All these bad…ummm…heavy metals and such. Don’t want your water to be heavy! And those pollutants are making people dislike me…they’re crazy, Jack!”
Though they obviously didn’t believe that it was “heavy metals” making them upset with Biden and his policies, much of right-wing Twitter did support Biden’s speech because it called out how toxic chemicals in the water such as microplastics, along with hormones from birth control and anti-depressants, are making people crazy.
Still, Biden’s speech was mostly received quite poorly, with the left generally freaking out for Biden blaming Cornpop, which they said was “racist,” and for playing to right-wing conspiracies about water purity. Similarly, the RINO right refused to listen to him talk about pollution, yelling that “clean water” was responsible for “shipping our factories to China.” Ignored there was that had they not funded or demanded the moves abroad, Americans would have had both clean water and a thriving industrial sector.
Trump commented on the matter as well, saying that he “only drinks Diet Coke” and “still hate[s] Brandon the senile idiot”, so “it’s probably not the polluted water that’s too blame.”