NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The US Marines have been deployed en masse to American and allied bases around the Pacific, particularly the so-called “first island chain” around the South China Sea in Team Biden’s attempt to deter Red China by showing a massive, overwhelming display of force.
Unfortunately for Biden and the Marines, however, the Chinese have not been deterred and have instead continued acting up and sailing their massive merchant national guard fleet of lightly armed fishing vessels into disputed territories, using the Chinese Coast Guard to harass local fisherman and merchant vessels, and using aircraft and naval vessels to harass US and allied naval vessels and aircraft in a series of close encounters.
Confused, Admiral Rachel Levine questioned why the Chinese were not deterred, noting that the “US had the most diverse, forward-thinking force in the region” and that though its mission and intentions were “thoroughly non-colonial”, it was “surprising that our Chinese friends have not been deterred into acting more in line with international agreements.”
Similarly, Joe Biden expressed frustration in a recent speech on the USS Ford, the first of the Ford-class nuclear-powered aircraft carriers and the hull of which was just repainted with a rainbow for pride month (an idea that cost $30 million), saying:
“Why the heck aren’t the Chinese getting into line? These are Marines we sent! they’re tough cookies…they got those flight suits for pregnant women so all the best pilots can fly, they got the rainbow-colored bullets to show our commitment to LGBT….oh, and Q, as in ‘queer’, not Q Anon, issues…why isn’t China intimidated by these guys? I know I would be!”
China then deployed 1,000 of its decidedly non-diverse, non-LGBTQ Marines to the disputed islands in the South China Sea, tweeting out images of them doing training exercises and asking if Biden had “urinated in his drawers out of fear yet”. Responding, many anonymous, right-wing accounts posted that he was only “peeing his pants out of senility”, a joke which Vladimir Putin’s Twitter account retweeted.
China also, in an explanation to the very confused United States, said that it would “not be intimidated by the Rainbow Corp” and that “unlike the Europeans, the People’s Republic of China will now be cowed when Caligula sends his horse to negotiate with us,” a slightly incorrect reference to the story that Caligula appointed his horse to the Roman senate and a recurrent joke in online circles, which frequently compare the US sending vapid fools like Kamala Harris or weirdos with rainbow flags to foreign countries and forcing those countries to deal with the weirdos.
Responding, Biden said he “drank beer like a normal guy, not wine” and thus “didn’t know what Caligula was”. That tweet was quickly deleted by someone on his staff with a few more brain cells.
Regardless, the deployment didn’t work, as Chinese ships are now heading to Taiwan and pledging to “destroy US forces by deadnaming them.”