NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Furious at having been turned into punching bags by people mad at them for not immediately recognizing that saving children would be the right call, the head of the Uvalde police force gave a Memorial Day speech in which he said:
“Listen up, folks, because this is important. Okay, so here it is: I see a lot of Monday Morning Quarterbacks out there, a whole lot of people who are saying that they would have known, had they been in our place, that neutralizing a psychotic killer intent on murdering kids would be a better decision than tazing and tackling parents while letting the killer murder children.
“Sure you would have! You don’t know the stresses of the job; from pulling over people speeding to busting kids trying to share a few beers, we do important work, work that frays the nerves. And that’s before we have to decide whether to let a psycho murder kids or stop him from doing so. That’s a tough decision!
“So think before you speak. Sure, you might think you would have realized from the start that stopping the mass murderer was the right decision. I doubt it. We couldn’t figure that out, so I doubt you could either!”
He then started crying about the “unfair criticism” of the “brave boys in blue” and was ushered off the stage by an embarrassed-looking mayor that promised to look into the incident and judge it fairly.
Donald Trump ripped into the police on Truth Social, using the increased character count allowed by his social media platform to say:
“Losers like that guy are why the US just can’t win anymore! Look at him: I bet he drinks tap water and lives on a vegan diet, he looks like he has lower T than Jeb! Bush or Eric Swallwell.
“Do you think the Texas Rangers would have sat by as children were murdered? Doubt it. They were winners with winning attitudes. Bright guys, very smart. But also strong. Lots of people say so, strong and smart.
“I want America to start winning and then win so much that it gets tired of winning. That won’t happen if losers like that guy and all those cowardly cops remain in charge. We need winners in charge, not losers!”
Posting again later, again referring to the video, Trump said:
“I once had my limo pull over in New York and I stopped a mugging with a baseball bat. That’s all I had, one little baseball bat. But I knew how to use it, let me tell ya. Stopping crimes isn’t hard, it just requires some stones, something those cowards clearly don’t have and never had! Sad! Perhaps Jeb! can instruct them on how to live a low T life from now on.”
Mitch McConnell described Trump’s rhetoric as “unhelpful”, though he did admit that the police response “left something to be desired.”