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PELOSI LEAVING THE HOUSE? Pelosi Quits Her Legislative Job to Focus on Daytrading

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Well, it turns out that all those rumors from a few weeks ago about Nancy Pelosi deciding it’s time to retire from the House of Reps might have been more accurate than they seemed at first blush.

    That’s because though Nasty Nancy initially announced that she’d be running for Congress again in 2022, she’s decided to cancel that and move on, focusing on her true passion: day-trading.

    Speaking about the decision in a press conference that took place before the ringing of the bell in New York, a fitting spot for so  important a speech, Nancy said:

    Folks, I know you’ll miss me, but it’s time at long last for me to move on from the House of Representatives and retire.

    “I know, I know. Sage leadership and wise counsel is needed more than ever right now as our party tries to dig its way our of the hole that idiot in the White House dropped us in. Perhaps it would seem to you like I should stay and try to guide the Democratic Party through the coming time of troubles.

    “Well, I don’t want to. I’ve already bought the seven monitors I need for daytrading and a subscription to Bloomberg and the House Office buildings have nowhere near the wi-fi speeds I need to make major gains. The Pentagon does in the darkest depths, but they won’t give me an office there.

    “So, I’m making the move back to my California vineyard, where I have the fastest wi-fi setup know to man/woman/xem and am ready to make some major profits trading stocks and cashing in.

    “My time in the House has been great. I’ve gotten lots of good stock tips, have passed legislation that made my stock options very valuable, and have even kept a relatively good name for myself among Democrat voters. LOL.

    “But it’s time to move on and let the USS Brandon plow into whatever iceberg it wants. Pelosi out!

    With that, she dropped the microphone, walked away, and said “yeah, put in that buy for the Lockheed, Boeing, and Raytheon shares. Things are about to get even worse. Oh, and short all government debt.”

    Jim Cramer, speaking about the decision on “Mad Money” shortly after her announcement, had this to say about her decision:

    I get it, I really do. We all gotta make our nut somehow and Pelosi’s moneymaking strategy isn’t the worst I’ve heard. I mean, I know some seriously dumb people.

    “But here’s the thing, here’s what I think she got wrong: how’s she gonna make those wins, score those stock tips, without her position in the House? 

    “She made her own luck while she was there, ramming through legislation that really gave her the wins necessary to get her trading career up and running. 

    “Now she’s relying on faster wi-fi, which is a bold move. We’ll just have to wait and see how it pays off, but I see trouble ahead for Nancy.

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