NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In what will be terrible news for those who enjoy seeing at least one major company not toe every single bit and piece of the leftist line about whatever the current thing is, a partnership composed mainly of Bill Gates and George Soros has announced that it, in revenge for Elon buying Twitter and rolling back the forces of censorship, will be buying Chick Fil A and taking that company public.
Posting about it on Twitter, Gates said “Who’s the pregnant man now, Elon?” That response was a flub, as Elon looks relatively healthy, particularly compared to the pre-diabetic looking Gates and couldn’t care less about what chicken place Gates owns, but showed that the partnership’s buying of Chick-fil-a was purely retaliatory.
Speaking about the decision to sell, an anonymous member of the Cathy family said:
“We recently started researching the dangers posed by seed oils more and were trying to find a way out of the fast food business anyway, as selling fried food feels like selling wonderful-tasting cigarettes. Though we know fans of our sandwiches will be disappointed, we think it’s for the best that fewer people will now eat at our distinctive restaurants.”
Gates, speaking about the buying decision too, said: “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Guess who’s winning now? You thought you could fight us? You thought you could stop the reset? Think again! From now on, only peanut-oil fried bugs will be served at the restaurants, which we’ll rename gay-fil-a, and all drinks will be made from repurposed wastewater!”
Apparently, Gates, one of the largest landowners of farmland in the US, has been planning this for a long while, as his farmland holdings are already set up to grow the grasshoppers to be fried and the food necessary to grow them. He said he’s “doing his best” to collect enough wastewater too, though what exactly that means wasn’t clear.
Soros, speaking about the purchase and partnership with Gates, said “Yeah, that guy is weirder than anyone I’ve dealt with. And remember, I know Klaus Schwab and the soyboys involved with Antifa. I know weirdos, and Gates is weird.
However, we really thought it’d be a kick in the nuts to the right if we did this together, so I held my nose and did it.”
Apparently, he was literal about the “held my nose” bit, as Gates was taking the wastewater repurposing thing quite seriously throughout their signing ceremony.
Protests throughout the country have been muted, with Chick-fil-a respecters seamlessly switching to the far better-tasting Bojangles and avoiding all the grasshopper-based fuss. Twitter, however, has been popping off about the move, with a recently reinstated Trump saying “SO Sad those losers destroyed a food chain that used to be the best! More KFC for me! I love chicken, unlike JEB!”
Jeb! could not be reached for comment. Speculation abounds that he plans on buying Truth Social to get back at Trump for the snarky remarks.