NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
As the Democratic Party gets more and more “diverse,” it also spings further out of control in what it supports. Whereas it used to have relatively simple stances on issues like gay rights and Israel (viciferously in support of both), now it has to balance that with also wanting to win over a rising tide of Islamic immigrants that hate both of those things.
That leads to conundrums, such as whether to appease its Jewish backers and support Israel, or to jump in with the Muslim immigrants, as they have lots of children and are, as a result, a growing demographic. Such could be seen in a recent speech Biden gave about “hate crimes,” during which he got confused after recognizing the absurdity of claiming to support both Israel and Palestine. He said:
Today, the FBI released their annual statistics on hate crimes. Antisemitic hate crimes rose 25 percent from 2021 to 2022, and Antisemitism accounted for over half of all reported religion-based hate crimes. Anti-LGBTQI+ hate crimes rose 16 percent, and Muslim Americans and African Americans continue to be overrepresented among victims.
The data is a reminder that hate never goes away, it only hides. Any hate crime is a stain on the soul of America.Last year’s data also shows that overall hate crime levels remained steady, and hate crimes targeting Asian Americans fell by 38 percent after I signed legislation to combat anti-Asian hate. But there’s more to do when it comes to ending hate-fueled violence. That means coming together and speaking out against hate and bigotry in all its forms. All Americans deserve to live their lives with dignity, respect, and safety.
To those Americans worried about violence at home, as a result of the evil acts of terror perpetrated by Hamas in Israel, we see you. We hear you. And I have asked members of my team, including Homeland Security Secretary Mayorkas and Attorney General Garland, to prioritize the prevention and disruption of any emerging threats that could harm Jewish, Muslim, Arab American, or any other communities during this time. My Administration will continue to fight Antisemitism and Islamophobia.
“Wait,” he said, shaking his head and rubbing his temples, “so who do we bomb? The Palestinians are anti-semitic, yet we’re saying here we don’t wanna be mean to them or whatever, but then the Israelis are saying they want to turn Gaza into a glass parking lot, which seems pretty Islamophobic and, like not nice to the uhhhh Muslims in the region.”
Turning to Kamala, he reiterated his question, saying, “So who we bombing, Kamala? Are we supposed to be more pro-Jewish or pro-Muslim?” She didn’t answer, so Biden went back to looking at his notes and teleprompter. “Ohhh,” he mumbled, minutes later, “we’re supposed to keep em both appeased and happy. Fat chance of that happening now, Jack.”