NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The woke Walmart executives decided to end their company’s relationship with Mike Lindell’s MyPillow on Wednesday, June 15th, booting the wonderful, sleep-inducing pillows from its shelves in a shocking management decision sure to hurt the company’s already struggling profit margins.
When asked why the company would cancel such a popular, wonderful product, executives tried to brush off shareholder questions by claiming that the decision was a “matter of ratings.”
Tina Turner, a graduate of Oberlin College and product picker for the woke company, gave a bit more detail in a terse statement she released on Twitter, saying:
“We removed MyPillow because we at Walmart are known for only selling the highest-rated, highest-quality goods. That’s why we sell beef in which people have found entire arteries: more nutrients! MyPillow, unfortunately, did not make those high-quality products, as shown by its 4.9 rating from verified customers. That room for improvement means that the pillows had to go!”
As the day wore on, however, more details leaked out and the truth about why Walmart canceled MyPillow took the internet by storm.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t Mike Lindell’s quest to stop voter fraud and expose the fraud that occurred in 2020 that convinced Walmart to cancel its MyPillow contract. Rather, it was his anti-slave labor stance.
Walmart, you see, imports many a product from China, particularly in its clothing department and bedding department (bedding is the department that MyPillows were in). It does so because those use cotton and thus can be easily made in Xinjiang, where a million slaves labor for the CCP and Walmart.
The CCP loves the arrangement because it has an excuse to work its slaves to death and Walmart loves it because it lowers costs by 7%, which it feels is more than enough to make up for any moral qualms regarding using brutally treated slave labor.
Mike Lindell, however, refused to ship his pillow-manufacturing operation to China, instead preferring to keep his operations in America and employ hard-working, talented Americans.
In an email he released on the matter, for example, he told Walmart executives pressuring him to use slave labor that he would “instead employ American workers and ensure that they were paid enough to afford his high-quality products”, a clear reference to industrial titan Henry Ford.
Well Walmart was furious. It, in a desire to cut costs and increase profits, wanted all of its departments able to do so to switch over to manufacturing goods in the Chinese slave labor camps, taking advantage of one of the world’s last sources of cheap labor.
Describing that policy in an internal email, Walmart’s VP of Cost-Cutting, a former Boston Consulting Group partner and Mitt Romney employee known for being a vulture when it comes to picking apart American operations and sending them overseas, said that “the American worker must be forgotten: this is the era of profits, and we will make them whatever the moral cost. Fear not the lash on the back of a Chinese slave; their suffering enables us to boost dividends by 0.01%!”
Mike was unwilling to go along with such a policy and so fought back, proudly standing by his decision to keep his manufacturing process in America and employ American workers.
Infuriated, Walmart sent him a final warning on the 14th of June, the day before it canceled his products, demanding that he either “use slave labor like [Walmart’s] other suppliers or face seeing his contract ended.”
Mike refused, quoting Lincoln in a one-line response, saying “As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master.”
Thus the unstoppable force of woke, late-stage capitalism met the immovable force of Mike Lindell, with the result being that the MyPillow contract was canceled but Walmart’s use of slave labor was exposed.