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WaPo Changes Slogan to “Democracy Thrives In Darkness” in Protest of Elon Musk

    Screen Shot 2022 05 06 at 9.24.24 AM
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.

    For the longest time (since 2017, right after the bad orange man was elected) , the Washington Post’s slogan has been “democracy dies in darkness.”

    Never mind that America is technically a republic rather than a democracy (who could expect journalists to know such an inconvenient detail?), never mind that the Washington Post is known for pushing the leftist regime’s talking point on pretty much every issue, never mind that it’s owned by a billionaire with an obvious interest in silencing some news, the Washington Post won’t let democracy die in darkness and hasn’t since Trump made it rethink what “the truth” and “darkness” and “democracy” mean.

    So, with the noble goal of making Trump look bad by framing him, the duly elected president of the United States, as an enemy of whatever they think democracy means. He was mean and bad and orange, after all.

    Well, the time has come for the entirely estimable Washington Post to change its slogan again: now, all 27 copies it delivers daily will, in protest of Elon Musk’s pledge to bring free speech back to Twitter, be emblazoned with the new slogan: “democracy thrives in darkness.”

    Speaking about the motto change anonymously, a WaPo “journalist,” taking time from “xis” busy schedule writing about how racist it is that Melania Trump learned English but never took the time necessary to learn the beautiful Zulu language, spoke about the change in an interview conducted at Starbucks, saying:

    Well, like, um, what Bob [Woodward] came up with or popularized or whatever in like um, well in 2017, was, um, we thought like super duper racist.

    When “xe” was asked why “democracy dies in darkness” is racist, “xe” said”

    Ummm, hello, bigot! It’s obviously racist because it ignores the lived experience of marginalized people and implies that darkness is somehow a bad thing! Duh. ‘Democracy thrives in darkness’ is totes better because it makes it clear that we at the Washington Post think darkness is a great thing. Heart of Darkness is like totes my favorite book. I love darkness.

    Xe obviously hadn’t read Heart of Darkness. Regardless, xe then moved past the racism babble and got to the real reason why the motto was changed within hours of Elon’s announcement, saying:

    “In addition to us totally loving darkness because it’s so great, we umm, we decided that the old, racist slogan wasn’t just insulting to our BIPOC friends and coworkers, but also implies that free speech is somehow a good thing.

    Being journalists, we totes couldn’t like be seen to be on the side of free speech, I mean, just think what Trump could say! So we changed it to show that darkness is like totes great and that censorship is way better than free speech. We really think journalists should like, you know, be on the side of censorship.

    Xe then started screaming when someone pulled off his mask to take a sip of a $12 latte and started screaming. Because xe was “totes” inconsolable, we had to end the interview. Democracy thrives on tears too, apparently.

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