NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following up on Biden’s recent speech in which he claimed that everyone who doesn’t blindly support him is a “semi-fascist” that can’t be trusted to preserve “our democracy,” or something, Lloyd Austin’s woke military has decided to come in and support the president by arguing that it could take on any number of “insurrectionists” that might rally around Trump’s banner.
Speaking on that matter in a statement delivered while wearing a massive BLM fist pin on his uniform while a pink-haired General Milley nodded alongside him while wearing more medals than a North Korean general despite never seeing combat, Sec Def Austin said:
“Lookie here, folks. We gonna destroy each and every one of them insurrectionists that raided the Capitol on that horrible day. We gonna blast them to smithereens with artillery, with attack helicopters, and even withe nukes delivered via F-15 if it comes to it. President Biden’s brought that up before and, make no mistake, we’re here for it. So watch out if you’re thinking of revolting…
“The US military is armed, trained, and ready to fight. So if any of you are thinking of voting for Trump or supporting him in a protest, think again. We’ll treat you in exactly the way you deserve and make Bashar al-Assad look like a tenderhearted do-gooder if we must.”
What Austin ignored, however, is that the US military can’t find anyone to join its ranks. In fact, it has been hammered by low recruiting this whole year, coming up well short of its recruiting goals. That’s come even as it’s dropped its standards and offered ever more money. Turns out people that would join up with the armed forces don’t want to fight in some hellhole half a world away so that the State Department can wave around rainbow flags while painting murals of George Floyd.
Also ignored was that the same woke military that’s somehow going to defeat half the country just lost a twenty-year war to a few thousand goat herders stuck in the Dark Ages despite spending trillions of dollars on the war…
Former President Donald Trump called attention to that, however, in a Truth Social post. Blasting Milley and Austin, Trump said:
“LOL. Look at those losers pretend that they could take on the very strong, very competent MAGA movement. They’re so busy losing wars to savages and paying for transing the troops that they probably don’t even remember how to turn their Humvees on (YOU JUST PRESS A BUTTON), much less use their complicated weapons of war. What are they gonna do, lob pronouns our way?
“All I want is peace. But if it comes to a fight, these jokers won’t even be able to put their boots on right compared to the average very tough, very good at fighting MAGA voter! All the real veterans are on our side, not Brandon’s!”