NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Kamala was recently, bizarrely, put in charge of giving a speech on the Biden Administration’s Israel policy. Predictably, the policy announcement was a massive flop, with Kamala rambling incoherently and then admitting the awkward truth about the Biden Administration’s Israel policy.
Kicking things off, she said, “Well, we’re going to discuss a number of things in terms of the priorities that, certainly, we have, which includes getting a hostage deal done, getting aid in, and — and then getting that six-week ceasefire. You know, the President and I have been very clear that Israel has a right to defend itself, that we have got to make sure that innocent civilians aren’t being killed, and that we’ve got to get these hostages out. And that is one of the highest priorities right — that, right now, we have. And, I’ll tell you, the President has been an extraordinary leader in getting us to this point that we have the six-week deal. And so, Hamas needs to do its thing, as I talked about yesterday in Selma.”
Continuing, after a reporter interrupted her and asked why the Biden Administration sent aid to Gaza, she said, “The President and I have been aligned and consistent from the very beginning. Israel has a right to defend itself. Far too many Palestinian civilians — innocent civilians have been killed. We need to get more aid in. We need to get the hostages out. And that remains our position. And I will tell you that it is important that we all understand that there — we’re in a window of time right now where we can actually get a hostage deal done. We all want this conflict to end as soon as possible, and how it does matters.”
She kept rambling, saying, “Well, and what we also want is to not alienate any demographic group in the United States. Because democracy is a good thing, we care about our democracy, and we don’t think that it is a good thing to get voters mad. But we don’t know how to do that here because lots of our voters support Israel, but others support Palestine.”
“We don’t really care that much, to be honest…it could go either way. But what we do really really care about, and this is a big deal, is not getting pro-Israel people, particularly AIPAC, mad, while also not getting many of the people on our left, the Rep. Tlaib types and the like, mad either. Because we want all of their money and support. To win for our democracy.”
“So, all that is saying, we don’t care either way and we don’t know which side is more politically powerful. So we can’t decide, so we’re aiding both sides. We’ll give the Palestinians food and medicine and the Israelis as much money and weapons as they want, so the war will probably drag on for much longer than if we just chose a side, but that would get people mad and we want to win the election.”