NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such,
President Biden beat McCarthy. As could be predicted, McCarthy folded like a lawn chair after pretending he would put up a fight that would make Leonidas and the 300 blush. So, Biden the senile moron that beat the best the GOP has to offer, got to gloat. And that he did in a recent press conference, saying:
We’ve got good news. We’ve got a — I just spoke with Speaker McCarthy, and we’ve reached a bipartisan budget agreement that we’re ready to move to the full Congress.
And I think it’s a really important step forward — excuse me — (clears throat) — and it takes the threat of catastrophic default off the table; it protects our hard-earned and historic economic recovery.
And the agreement also represents a compromise, which means no one got everything they want. But that’s the responsibility of governing.
And the — this is a deal that’s good news for, I believe you’ll see, for the American people.
The agreement prevents the worst possible crisis: a default for the first time in our nation’s history — an economic recession, retirement accounts devastated, millions of jobs lost.
It also protects key priorities and accomplishments and values that congressional Democrats and I have fought long for — long and hard for.
That wasn’t all. Continuing, Biden went ahead and explained what he managed to pry out of McCarthy. “Listen,” he said. “We got everything we wanted. Literally, Jack! Everything! There wasn’t a thing I said in the beginning that I wanted that McCarthy didn’t agree on after just a tiny little bit of pressure. We’re talking about a little poke in the arm, folks, not even that much…like, ummmm….you uhhh you know, pressure and such.”
“So, anyway, what’d we get? All the goodies. A trillion for diversity programs in the military and state department. No money given to any organization, whether university or non-profit, defense contractor or government agency, that isn’t composed of at least 55% women of color and 39% LGBTQ+…and those are big wins, Jack! But they aren’t all. No sirree. We also got not just the 80,000 IRS agents, but actually 100,000 that will not be used to target a single person of color…just white people other than Hunter. Oh and we got $50 billion for funding letting transgender individuals compete in sports commensurate with their gender identity around the world. Pakistan, Russia, Ukraine…any of em. Gonna have lots of wonderful people in sports. And that’s a big win. And, among all the other great stuff, we got a 60% increase in funding for food stamps for people of color. Those poor folks oppressed by racism are gonna be eating filet mignon every night on Uncle Sam’s tab. And that’s a promise, Jack!”
McCarthy said that he had “won a great conservative victory” and was ready to “keep winning more such victories in the near future.”
Biden then patted him on the head and said, “yeah, you will, Jack.”