NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It was yet another terrible day for Brandon’s regime, this time thanks to the president himself, who let slip what Hunter’s corrupt backers had bought when they paid him millions for influence with his dad: tens of thousands of acres of pristine Hawaiian real estate.
Biden let that little detail, one sure to be used by Congressional Republicans in an impeachment proceeding against him, slip during a speech that was supposed to be on why he’s stopping the development of land or utilization of ocean resources in the Pacific, a speech in which he was probably trying to draw favorable comparisons between his presidency and that of Teddy Roosevelt. The speech started out well enough, with Biden saying:
In just my first year in office, we’ve done more — protected more lands than any — than anyone since the 1960s — John Kennedy’s era: 9 million acres in Alaska, in Bristol Bay and the Tongass Forest; 225,000 acres in Minnesota, the Boundary Waters.
We’re working to protect 770,000 square miles in the Pacific Ocean southwest of Hawaii. A new maritime sanctuary — a network of islands and reefs almost three times the size of Texas — on track to be among the largest protected ocean area on the entire planet.
We’ve already restored protections for three national monuments gutted by the last administration, two not so far from here in Utah: the Grand Staircase and Bears Ears. By the way, I’ll never forget: I was standing in Washington, and a little girl walked up. And I could see her daddy say, “Go up and say something to the President.” She walked up and she said, “Mr. President, would you take care of Bears Ears for me?” And I didn’t know what she meant when she said it: “Would you take care of Bears Ears for me?” Well, we took of her, and we gave her the signing pen.
But then it took a turn for the worse when someone in the crowd shouted out, “but why so much land in Hawaii? Why did you set aside 35,000 acres there?” Biden, surprisingly, both heard the question from the crowd and was cognizant enough to understand and answer it, though not cognizant enough to understand that not answering or lying would have been the better option.
So, answering the question, he said, “Look, we gotta set aside that land. So it’s not developed. So it’s pristine. But, trust me, that’s some expensive land so this is profit-focused. We’re capitalists here! We in the government are, you know, seizing it and setting it aside so that, umm, well, you know, we gotta keep it pristine for China. They’re gonna pay top dollar to build a naval base and a dock or whatever for their fishing boats. They’re real good guys, even paying Hunter the 6% real estate commission! And lemme tell ya, that’s a lot of money. So we gotta keep the land untouched so that he can collect it, and that’s a fact, Jack.“