NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Why is America acting the way it’s acting on the geopolitical scene? Why are we engaging in warmongering and other forms of conflict around the globe, for now clear reason nor with any obvious end in mind? Well, if President Joe Biden is to be believed, it’s because he was paid to act in a certain way.
Such is what Biden said during a speech on why America’s role in the world is important, explaining that America has the responsibility of acting in a “leadership role” around the world to help stand up to “bullies”…of nations that bribed Hunter. He said:
The United States is the essential nation. We rally allies and partners to stand up to aggressors and make progress toward a brighter, more peaceful future. The world looks to us to solve the problems of our time. That is the duty of leadership, and America will lead. For if we walk away from the challenges of today, the risk of conflict could spread, and the costs to address them will only rise. We will not let that happen.
That conviction is at the root of my approach to supporting the people of Ukraine as they continue to defend their freedom against Putin’s brutal war. We know from two world wars in the past century that when aggression in Europe goes unanswered, the crisis does not burn itself out. It draws America in directly. That’s why our commitment to Ukraine today is an investment in our own security. It prevents a broader conflict tomorrow. We are keeping American troops out of this war by supporting the brave Ukrainians defending their freedom and homeland. We are providing them with weapons and economic assistance to stop Putin’s drive for conquest, before the conflict spreads farther.
The United States is not doing this alone. More than 50 nations have joined us to ensure that Ukraine has what it needs to defend itself. Our partners are shouldering much of the economic responsibility for supporting Ukraine. We have also built a stronger and more united NATO, which enhances our security through the strength of our allies, while making clear that we will defend every inch of NATO territory to deter further Russian aggression. Our allies in Asia are standing with us as well to support Ukraine and hold Putin accountable, because they understand that stability in Europe and in the Indo-Pacific are inherently connected.
He then added, “And look, how do we tie this all together? What’s the common thread? Well, lemme tell ya Jack. Because this is important. It makes sense when ya think about it, it really does. Here its that the Ukrainians and our allies elsewhere paid Hunter. They cut him a big check and explained why defending them is important. And I’m a man of my word, Jack, so we gotta defend them.”
“Look, look, they are important. These nations need to, well, they need to be defended. America is essential, and if we’re gonna keep being like that, then well, and they paid Hunter to get me to say this, to be honest, but we really gotta defend them, Jack.”