NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden just gave a speech for “Bill of Rights Day” and, during it, attacked the Bill of Rights. Specifically, he attacked the First and Second Amendments, both of which he said were “racist” and need to be “amended” to be made to fit with modern opinions. Beginning his speech, he said:
The freedoms guaranteed by the Bill of Rights — the freedoms of religion, speech, press, assembly, privacy, and more — have helped define who we are as a people and served as our Nation’s enduring North Star. The 17 additional Amendments that have been ratified since have opened the doors of opportunity wider to each new generation. But time and again we have been reminded that progress is not linear and freedom is never guaranteed; it requires constant vigilance.
The Supreme Court took away a constitutional right from the American people, denying women across the Nation the right to choose, a right that had been enshrined in a half-century of precedent. In recent years, more than 20 States have passed laws that make it harder to vote. A wave of anti-LGBTQI+ bills is threatening Americans’ freedom to live openly and authentically. As a Nation, we have a duty to oppose these regressions and defend the values represented in our founding documents.
As President, I act on that duty every day. In the wake of the Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade, I issued three Executive Orders to protect a woman’s ability to access comprehensive reproductive health care services. I continue to call on the Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade in Federal law. Because the right to vote and have your vote counted is the threshold of democracy, I continue to urge the Congress to pass the Freedom to Vote Act and the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act. These bills would restore and expand access to the ballot and prevent voter suppression. I was also proud to sign the Electoral Count Reform Act, helping preserve the will of the people and protect the peaceful transfer of power.
Continuing, Biden then said, “Look, Jack, we gotta be realistic though. We gotta be. Like these Amendments are not okay in the modern day. Just look at the First one? Can you really say anything you want? I don’t think so. That just ain’t fair. Think about all the people you’ll hurt if you say mean things. We can’t allow that. Just can’t. It’s no bueno, man. Same thing with the Second.”
“It’s the same thing, man. The same thing. That one just isn’t ok now. We got guns flooding the street and we gotta get that to stop. Otherwise a lot of people are gonna be hurt. Lots and lots of people. And we can’t have that. So we gotta amend these racist amendments to make them okay in the modern day. We just have to.”