NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The increasingly senile president decided to ramble and rave about the “retirement security” of Americans during a recent speech, attacking banks for “fees” and then proceeding to admit that the stock market was in a much more pleasant spot under Trump…leading to his team dragging him off the stage before he could make a bigger fool of himself. Beginning, he said:
I ran for President to make sure our economy works for everyone — at least gives everyone and equal shot — and to build an economy from the middle out and the bottom up. Because when that happens, everybody does well, rather than just the top down.
That’s why I created the Competition Council to promote competition across the economy and to lower costs for families. And that’s the end result. You know, we’re taking on what I — we call “junk fees.” I remember having this discussion early on with the staff about, “Well, you sure people are interested?” I can tell you what, when you come from a middle-class family like I did, the thing that makes you the angriest is when you’re taken advantage of. And I really mean it. Even if it’s a little bit, it makes you angry as hell.
These junk fees are hidden charges that companies sneak into your bill to make you pay more just because they can. Junk fees — junk fees take real money out of pockets of Americans. And they add up to hundreds of dollars, weighing down family budgets and making it harder to pay the bills. You know, there’s a — they may not matter to the wealthy. I think they do matter to the wealthy, but — they may not matter to them, but they — but they matter to working fa- — families like the one I grew up in. You know, the way I think about it is the way my dad talked about it and the way so many of you at home talk about it around your kitchen table: How much are your monthly bills? How much do you have to pay for those necessities — your monthly bills? And is there ever anything left over just to give you just a little of breathing room? Not a whole lot, just a little bit of breathing room.
That’s when he got to the stock market part, saying, “Now a pickup in stock prices…a big one, I mean, now that’s be some breathing room. For retirees, at least. And, you know, the thing. Well, I mean . . . you know. That’s to say, well, your 401ks were better under the other guy. Stocks went up! Not down and sideways.”
“But look, we’re doing better stuff with me in charge. We got great stuff going. Hunter’s art is a great investment if you can find one to snap up…a lot of fellas from China and Russia, noted art collectors, are buying up as many as they can get.”