NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In a speech meant for black history month, Presiden Joe Biden went off the rails near-immediately, accidentally bringing up his age-old and oft-derided story about Corn Pop, the black gang member that supposedly threatened him at a Delaware pool, but then backed down when Joe threatened him with a chain. That story did not go over well with the primarily black crowd that gathered for Biden’s speech.
Biden began the speech by mumbling a number of vague generalities about how wonderful black Americans are and the accomplishments he sees them as having achieved. That portion of the speech was made weaker by the lack of any actual specifics, being composed as it was of almost entirely vague hand waves. Biden said:
This National Black History Month, we celebrate the vast contributions of Black Americans to our country and recognize that Black history is American history and that Black culture, stories, and triumphs are at the core of who we are as a Nation.
The soul of America is what makes us unique among all nations. We are the only country in the world founded on an idea. It is the idea that we are all created equal and deserve to be treated with equal dignity throughout our lives. While we still grapple today with the moral stain and vestiges of slavery — our country’s original sin — we have never walked away from the fight to fully realize the promise of America for all Americans. Throughout our history, Black Americans have never given up on the promise of America.
Unbowed by the forces of hate and undaunted as they fought for centuries against slavery, segregation, and injustice, Black Americans have held a mirror up to our Nation, allowing our country to confront hard truths about who we are and pushing us to live up to our founding ideals. They have helped redeem the soul of our Nation, ensuring the promises in our founding documents were not just words on a page but a lived reality for all people. In the process, the vibrancy of Black history and culture has enriched every aspect of American life.
That’s when Biden got to the Corn Pop story. “Well, I suppose not every aspect of life. American life, I mean. That would be…ummm…a bit too broad. For example, there’s the Corn Pop story I have. Corn Pop was bad news, Jack. That fellow, a black guy…he was a black guy, I mean…well, he tried to kill me and attack the pool when I told him not to jump in, or something. That was a bad day and a bad hombre, Jack! So, well not every area of life had been, has been, I mean, enriched.”
He then evidently was told something through his ear bud, as his tune changed near-immediately. “Well, but that doesn’t mean we’re not thankful for diversity. We love diversity. We’re even thankful for Corn Pop. Corn Pop might have been a bad dude, but he’s still an American worthy of respect and honor! And that’s a fact, Jack.“